I’ve noticed a measure of evolution within myself of late. I realize everyone experiences moments of improvement, or backward progression, which makes my shifts neither remarkable or extraordinary. However, paying attention to changes and at best claiming them from time to time feels like a sound notion.

By natural design, I am reclusive and private about my own actions and thoughts. My ’personal quiet’  is notorious among my circles and for that I have always shrugged my shoulders, tossed a smile of distraction and moved onto the next topic. I even have a scary pic of me shhhin one of my kiddoes (proof and smile after the pic)

In my world,  privacy is the crown jewel of self respect and secrets usually resemble a throw rug of shame. There is a relevant difference if anyone stops and thinks about it. Privacy/Secrets. Unless it’s a surprise party or a gift, secrets are rarely good things.  Privacy on the other hand seems like a fading notion of times past when I listen around to the things people are willing to offer up as general conversation.

Since this is public and bound for interpretation, I shall clarify something. I do believe there are experiences, extremely private and personal experiences, that should be shared. While every experience is individual, when there is opportunity to teach other souls, or find solace through sharing, I would always encourage one to venture down that path if I believed it would help others and find individual balance to the experience………

My swing to the extreme of privacy all these years hasn’t exactly been a comforting place. Solitary experience, meaning those moments in a persons life that aren’t shared, tend to take on a life of their own, yet, never formulate into a solid memory of truth. Experience not shared is an embryo of life never quite birthed. Being extreme in anything typically creates an imbalance. And for that reason, I haven’t been a balanced individual.

The shifts I’ve attempted and actually achieved are important (to me)  moments of sharing my madness. From the subtle tones of admitting I was a high school dropout, publicly, to a rather hyperventilating moment of sending a good friend an entire handwritten journal of my thoughts, scribbles, observations, drawings and writings. The Rebecca I used to know would never, ever, have considered opening such windows. And many more examples I’ll spare the room here.

The most interesting change I’ve experienced is sharing my feelings with those that are close to me. Feelings, emotions, all the thoughts inside a person that play tug of war and bind up a persons mentality under the surface of a smile. I can claim that I now start sentences with, “This is what I’m feeling……” and actually finish the emotion verbally. Those that know me express that it’s an interesting change of communication, one they can work from and build off. The truth is, I rarely gave people that opportunity.

Maybe some of this new revolution will filter it’s way into my writing here, maybe only in little slices and dices of sharing, but the most important piece to my shifts in mentality is I am willing……and realize, able…..and it doesn’t feel as violating as I once assumed. Today, I am willing to share the madness (and joy and experience and life) that is me with another, and another and another. That is change, that is shifting and I find it relevant enough to voice~~