I have a Blog and I’m not afraid to Use It

Driving long distance provides Robert and I ample talk time. I imagine most couples occupy the air inside a vehicle with a variation of say, talking and music, but in the case of Robert and I…….we despise each others music choices.

He is Metallica and I resemble U2. It can get ugly if we try and force our music on each other, mosh pit ugly. He wants to smoother me with the sleep pillow he says my music inspires for him. I want to remove the screw driver his music drives into my forehead and shove it through his eyeball.  The only non-violent solution is silence or talking. Our conversations often go deep South or wildly North. It depends on the leading conversational keywords………

Rebecca: ” Well, if that’s what you think you need, you better look for a new wife.”

Robert: ” I don’t want a new wife, but maybe a small harem would be fun. You don’t think having multiple husbands catering to you would be remotely interesting?”

Rebecca: “ I’v heard this concept from other men, so I won’t hold it against you, but why do men think having multiple wives would be the answer to their dreams? You’d never hear a woman state she’d like mutliple husbands, no way. There wouldn’t be enough time in the day to clean up after all of them, find things for them, sooth their egos and pump their pride. No thank you.” 

Robert: “ Oh come on, it couldn’t be that bad! Well, as a man, a house full of woman does sound appealing for many reasons.”

(OH, I’m sure it does!)

Rebecca: “Why exactly? That is, beyond only thinking you’d get to have sex all day long. Answer carefully here buddy, I have a blog and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Robert: ” I’m not saying another word.”

Rebecca: “Oh come on, I’m intrigued, lets hear it.”

Robert: “Conversation is over.”

Rebecca: “Chicken shit.”

There is a reason you never, ever, hear a woman say, “Gee, I think it would be fun to have multiple husbands.” We ladies carry a deep understanding of the implications such an arrangement would create. Ladies, can you just imagine if two of them had a sniffle or felt ill? That thought makes my toes curl. It would never work unless us gals could muster a serious mentality role reversal and men got shot up with enough estrogen to shed a few tears on a daily basis.

I’m sure in some twisted way, multiple ladies would be a swanky deal for the guys. But multiple men? Nope, I’ve thought about it, One, is plenty.

After edit~It was just decided, I’m off for another 3 or 4 days of salmon fishing. Goodie! More drive (talk) time! I hope everyone has a great week~

Please Pass the Salt

saLast night the Hubs and I actually watched a movie together. For the record, this is an extremely rare occurrence. We simply do not, in any shape or form, share mutual tastes in movies. We have less then a handful of movies we can tolerate together and one of them happens to be Mr. & Mrs. Smith, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I believe he likes the movie because it’s packed with manly action, 007 mentality and Angie’s breasts. I enjoy the movie because it’s packed full of marital sarcasms, good humor and Angie’s breasts. (Plus the fact she kicks ass through the whole thing)

One scene started a debate last night that I’m still smiling over. It involved the two Smiths sitting at the dinning table eating dinner. Mr. John Smith says, “Please pass the salt.” Which Mrs. Jane Smith responds, “it’s in the middle of the table.”

I chuckled, out loud, at that part…….

My husband looked at me, clueless and asked, “Whats so funny about that part?”

I smiled, “Don’t worry hun, that was a joke meant for woman across the world.”

Husband, hits the pause on the DVD player, “Whatdoyoumean? I don’t get it, whats so funny about asking for the salt?”

Me, taking a deep breath, it’s always potential quicksand going in to insult a Males mentality. “Robert, you do that sort of thing all the time. I believe most guys do it. We can be sitting an equal distance from something and you’ll ask me to get it for you instead of  just getting it yourself. This inside joke also falls in line with the fact men will stand in the kitchen and yell out, ‘hun, where’s the ???’ and act like you’ve searched for hours when in fact, if you had opened one cupboard door, you would have seen it yourself. Or you’ll ask me to go get things you need for a project, over and over when you should have just gotten all the tools in the first place”

Robert, “Guys don’t do that. I don’t do that.”

Me, sweet kind wife, “Ah, yay ya you do. All the time.”

Robert, “Name one time.”

Viper going in for the kill, “Remember yesterday when you stood in the middle of the bedroom and called out in desperation, ‘Rebecca, I can’t find my shoes!’ and I got up from the office, walked into the bedroom, walked straight over to your side of the bed and pointed to them on the floor? Or….when you were working on the kitchen sink last week, you called out no less then 10 times for me to go get a different tool? Or…..when we were eating dinner the other night you asked me to pass the salad dressing when in fact it was closer to you then me and I said, and I quote, ‘Robert, it’s closer to you then me.’ Or…….”

Robert, recoiling from the venom in truth, “Ok, ok, no more, I’ve heard enough. Lets just watch the movie.”

I’ve cross checked this scenario with many, many woman. Through my extensive research I’ve come to the conclusion that this is indeed a universal Male thing and therefore it should be written into the Handbook for Woman. Situation 1) How to handle the salt being 1/2 the distance between you and your husband. Situation 2) How to handle a husbands feigned attempt to locate a missing item. Situation 3) How to handle a husbands request, without telling him to ‘get it yourself dammit”……

Now….if us ladies could just figure out viable solutions to the situations~