Tag Archives: Humor

Woman Genius, Man Squeamish

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For the Ladies

For the Ladies

This entry is for the ladies.
Men, if you read it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(exclamation point to the tenth degree)
(seriously, I WARNED YOU, no whining)

I’ve got it.
It only took 30 some odd years to come up with the perfect verbal rebuttal system against all things boy/man whine.
 But I’ve got it now.
I am locked and loaded.

Now, I wouldn’t throw out random verbal prescriptions to the ladies without putting said system through a rigorous beta testing phase first, so I can assure, this system works, 99.9% of the time. In fact, after a four week clinical trial with my very own lab rat who I shall identify as Robert aka “The Husband” my success rate is smoking red effective.

Sooo……to explain. You all know how men can be sorta big babies about things right? Prone to whiner moments, a bit dramatic over things us ladies typically go, ya? so whats the big deal? It’s common knowledge a woman can swiffer sweep the house, do three loads of laundry, wash windows and juggle 3 children on her hip at the same time she has a 104 degree temp and only pauses to throw up occasionally— while a man with a slight sniffle will dive onto the nearest couch and text message the closest estrogen to retrieve the remote 5 feet away…ya know, cause he’s got a sniffle. (if your male, and you’re reading this, please review the first paragraph again)  Well gather around, I have a solution.

Dialogue from the Clinical Trial:

Lab Rat: “I think my elbow hurts from picking up that box the other day.”
My response: “I have the worst cramps today, like a chainsaw massacre in my pelvis.”
Results~ A slight look of perplexed confusion followed by a no reply retreat. No mention of the elbow again.

Lab Rat: ” My back hurts, mind giving me a back rub?”
My Response: “Sure, but first will you run to the store and buy some tampons? I’m out.”
Results~ A sputter. A mutter. Another withdrawal. Neither request was honored.

Lab Rat: “I just don’t feel like working today.”
My Response: “I think having a period should be like the olden days when ladies got to lounge in a red tent and be honored for her womb. What do you think? No working for me while I renew each month?”
Results~ Hands thrown up in the air, quick about face and off to work he went. I think I’ll still lobby for that renewel vacation.

Lab Rat: “I’m in a bad mood, so and so pissed me off on that conference call.”
My Response: “I’m full of rampant unpredictable hormones that are prone to crying jags or hateful thoughts because I’m about to start my period…I’m sorry, why were you in a bad mood?”
Results~ Blank stare. Took three steps back, did an about face and went away mumbling sumthin’. I can’t be sure, but I believe it instantly took his mind off his bad conference call. Soooooo sweet of me.

Lab Rat: “Ohhh Ohhhh, I got a paper cut!!!!!”
My Response: “If it bleeds for 7 days we can discuss it.”
Results~ A bit of revulsion and I believe he responded, “Good hell, don’t put those images into my mind!!” I classify it a successful bit of perspective.

 And so on……..

However, with any good prescription and clinical trial, the warnings and possible side effects must be disclosed. There is only one and I’ve decided I can live with it.

Rebecca: “Whats wrong with you? You seem quiet today.”
Lab Rat: “I’m not telling you.”
Rebecca: “Why not? Whats up?
Lab Rat: “If I tell you anything you’ll say, cramps, or menstruation or mention tampons or childbirth, things no man wants to ever think about, so I admit nothing!”
Rebecca: “When you end a sentence with such finality you should pause and say period!”

Ya know, I was skeptical about this whole ‘Wife’ gig for some time, but I really think I’m getting the hang of it!! Use the power of verbal persuasion wisely. Think of it as shooting bullets from a six shooter, only point at what you are willing to silence, period.

 Bleeding Heart Disclaimer: no living specimens were physically or emotionally harmed during this clinical trial. Bouts of laughter and good smiles were observed, but we are of the belief that’s never a bad thing.

Please Pass the Salt

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saLast night the Hubs and I actually watched a movie together. For the record, this is an extremely rare occurrence. We simply do not, in any shape or form, share mutual tastes in movies. We have less then a handful of movies we can tolerate together and one of them happens to be Mr. & Mrs. Smith, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I believe he likes the movie because it’s packed with manly action, 007 mentality and Angie’s breasts. I enjoy the movie because it’s packed full of marital sarcasms, good humor and Angie’s breasts. (Plus the fact she kicks ass through the whole thing)

One scene started a debate last night that I’m still smiling over. It involved the two Smiths sitting at the dinning table eating dinner. Mr. John Smith says, “Please pass the salt.” Which Mrs. Jane Smith responds, “it’s in the middle of the table.”

I chuckled, out loud, at that part…….

My husband looked at me, clueless and asked, “Whats so funny about that part?”

I smiled, “Don’t worry hun, that was a joke meant for woman across the world.”

Husband, hits the pause on the DVD player, “Whatdoyoumean? I don’t get it, whats so funny about asking for the salt?”

Me, taking a deep breath, it’s always potential quicksand going in to insult a Males mentality. “Robert, you do that sort of thing all the time. I believe most guys do it. We can be sitting an equal distance from something and you’ll ask me to get it for you instead of  just getting it yourself. This inside joke also falls in line with the fact men will stand in the kitchen and yell out, ‘hun, where’s the ???’ and act like you’ve searched for hours when in fact, if you had opened one cupboard door, you would have seen it yourself. Or you’ll ask me to go get things you need for a project, over and over when you should have just gotten all the tools in the first place”

Robert, “Guys don’t do that. I don’t do that.”

Me, sweet kind wife, “Ah, yay ya you do. All the time.”

Robert, “Name one time.”

Viper going in for the kill, “Remember yesterday when you stood in the middle of the bedroom and called out in desperation, ‘Rebecca, I can’t find my shoes!’ and I got up from the office, walked into the bedroom, walked straight over to your side of the bed and pointed to them on the floor? Or….when you were working on the kitchen sink last week, you called out no less then 10 times for me to go get a different tool? Or…..when we were eating dinner the other night you asked me to pass the salad dressing when in fact it was closer to you then me and I said, and I quote, ‘Robert, it’s closer to you then me.’ Or…….”

Robert, recoiling from the venom in truth, “Ok, ok, no more, I’ve heard enough. Lets just watch the movie.”

I’ve cross checked this scenario with many, many woman. Through my extensive research I’ve come to the conclusion that this is indeed a universal Male thing and therefore it should be written into the Handbook for Woman. Situation 1) How to handle the salt being 1/2 the distance between you and your husband. Situation 2) How to handle a husbands feigned attempt to locate a missing item. Situation 3) How to handle a husbands request, without telling him to ‘get it yourself dammit”……

Now….if us ladies could just figure out viable solutions to the situations~

Really? No, really? Blogs to Books…

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Blog To Book

Blog To Book

I have a daily ritual of slinking around the The New York Times online. This habit gets my head out of Idaho and wrapped around the realities of the rest of the world. It also satisfies my shameless pleasures/needs of reading about Arts, Literature, People and Style. In case you weren’t aware of it, Idaho is extremely sheltered. Bio-dome sheltered. I think they still do background checks at the borders in case an out of stater tries to sneak in and pollute the innocence.

During my rounds this morning I came across this article. Public provides the Giggles; Bloggers get the book deal  …..so of course, being the quote ‘blogger’ that I am, I had to read that one. Honestly, I think the cultural I.Q. points I had just built up by reading about William Yeats dropped to a deficit after reading it’s message.

Basically, the short version, if you come up with an idea that is undeniably silly and basic, and people high-5  it, you can become a sensation. This article talks about the popularity and now book deal, of sending one blogger pictures of your dignity stripped pets dressed up in costumes. Name of the blog- Pets Who Want To Kill Themselves……..Another, by the same theory is —This is why you are fat. (Now, I’ve never, not once in 5 years, slanted negative about another blog on the Internet, and I’m not doing that now. I swear. Huge Kudos’s to the authors of those blogs for achieving the elusive sensation known as Internet phenomenon. I imagine I’d laugh and smile if I visited those sites. However, this entry is about blogs to books)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think animals dressed up like Tinker bell are funny to look at. I enjoy the pictures where cats use bad spelling and grammer captioned with snarky humor. They make me smile, laugh and I’m not saying they don’t do wonders for the mood of the Internet. I’m down with the funny, I swear.

But, honestly. Is this what people are looking for in their books? This is what tickles the fancy of a fickle public and has agents clamoring for more? Publishing houses are actively seeking this sort of  ‘off the cuff’ and entirely irrelevant material to offer up for book consumption? Really? After I read the article my heart swelled a bit and my mind raced to all the amazing writers of blogs out there….the ones that have also wrote potential books via blood, sweat and tears. Those people, who send queries and partials out, week after week, just praying for one person to take an interest. Those writers/bloggers have been officially trumped by a bacon wrapped Twinkie. There’s something wrong with that picture.

I understand some people may think I’m comparing apples to oranges here. Humor picture books do have their merit. And I suppose there is always room next to the toilet for that sort of  literature book. Maybe I’m a book snob and didn’t even realize it because next to my toilet you’ll find Shakespeare, e.e. cummings and a suduko book. (Sneaky way of introducing the daughters to good reads) The way I see it, one can broaden their mind just about anywhere~~

Maybe what I’m saddened about, is the fact I run across so many incrediable blogs out there. Blogs written, with words, that could easily make the leap from blog to book and sadly they aren’t on the radar. I think when I’m done with this, I need to go do some research. Surely there are blogs that have moved to book based purely on the writing content and I’m just out of the loop. Does anyone know of any? If there are, I’d happily toss good money to the cause.

#BlogFind: Want Humor? With Words?  Nydia is a witty, entertaining writer, I already knew that, but holy hell, her entry about “When Trains Go Bad” had my sides hurting I was laughing so hard. So if you visit, that entry is a MUST read!! Caution: Don’t drink anything while reading about her brush with death~Polymer Clay Snails

“Listen, I love Jesus….but..”

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I stumbled across this video at blondebydesign a few days ago, so I thank her for this little Internet diamond~~

This video is SO worth almost 7 minutes of a persons day.

I’ve watched it over and over and still can’t make it through without laughter that reduces me to tears. The real payoff is at 4 minutes. However, one must watch the prior dialogue to get a good appreciation of this little old ladies witty demeanor. She’s hilarious through the whole thing and I can only hope to be as spunky as she is at that age.

So my question is, did you make it through without laughing? My guess is you’ll have to watch it twice to hear a few things you missed during uncontrolled bouts of laughter.

Listerine anyone?