Ode to the Snickers Bar

If health is a “frame of mind and body”, then I should say my frame is the type one might find in the discount bin at the local Salvation Army. No. strike that…that’s giving my health stock too much value. I’m probably more like the frame that has split in several places and someone tossed it in the garbage bin because they were too embarrassed to donate it to the Salvation Army.

Yup, that’s me. Garbage bin extraordinaire.

Adopting a healthy plan of attack seemed like a reasonable if not sound solution to my current struggling mentality. Eat right, exercise daily and by general principle alone a person should FEEL overall better. That’s the rumor, that’s what a million and two articles suggest, talk shows, Oprah, even Doctors imply such drastic measures!

So I thought I’d give the healthy side of the coin a whirl~ I’m trying ~ But I’m flailing ~ But I’m still keeping an open mind………..

I believe a person either has a healthy inner mentality or they don’t. A bit like either someone is a drinker–or not. Smoker–or not, Gambler–or not. Nascar watcher–or hell no, not. I fall into the never thought about it, never cared about it, never bought a scale to watch weight, never looked at labels, “is 2800 calories for a milk shake bad?”, never afraid of McDonalds and always willing to eat a light dinner so I could take seconds at the dessert table, side of the railroad tracks.

Since I’ve never been on a diet for weight or health, in my entire life, eating with intention and attention is a COMPLETELY foreign concept. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on because that’s what a person does when they start at the kindergarten level. Right now, if good intention and reading about going healthy and wholesome counted for anything I’d be a fine tuned human being fully loaded with optimized joints and muscles like lean meat. All the pistons in my brain would be firing on perfectly timed belts and I’d probably float down the street during my daily walks/runs like a messiah parting the seas from my, oh so healthy, air current. Sadly, reading doesn’t count for a whole lot in this department……..

I’ve ran into some real (huge) problems with this endeavor. Adjustments and exceptions seem to crop up every single day and evidently my Will Power Corporation is at odds with my Ambitious LLC.  

Here are some general observations and exceptions

• Diet Coke should be allowed into the program because it has the word Diet in it. ‘Nuff said, I don’t want to hear it~
• Healthy eating is irrelevant in the face of monster buffets at family reunions~
• Dinner at Moms house is exempt from moderation because she is a fabulous cook~
• Whole wheat pasta takes like shit cardboard paste and by gag reflex alone is OFF the menu~
• Anything that makes me gag once is off the menu, no exceptions~
• A carrot stick is NOT a Snicker bar, no matter how I attempt to convince my mind it’s a decent snack~
• Going healthy makes an extremely unhealthy body feel even worse…current rumor implies that’s temporary, but I’m starting to think people just like watching misery from afar~
• Doing sit ups is the most BORING exercise known to man~
• Be cautious of anything that says ‘zero fat, zero sugar, zero carbs or zero anything’ ~
• Self denial inspires criminal thoughts. Things like, “Eat that Butterfinger in front of me and I will physically hurt you” and so on~

This shall stand as my official confession from the trenches of Health & Truth

• Exception number 58-telling the truth earns one cookie