True, I never shared personal relationship status, nor play by play highlights of my comings and goings during the last 5 years of blogging. I had/have my reasons for that, many of them. Regardless of my omissions, for me writing in this dimension always felt like deep personal individual…… anyway.
I never felt like I was holding back key ingredients, or vital information that people would benefit knowing the details. From my perspective, everything was right there within the nouns,verbs and adjectives; sentences filled with personal thought. My moods and struggles, joys and happiness are spread out like a flow chart laced through entry after entry. Perhaps it came across as riddles and mysterious to the eye who wandered upon my pages. I can appreciate that, I designed it.
Tones and Stones that moved from the left to the right. This zone has always acted as my bridge between Lavender Black and fields of contentment. Over the years I have frequently walked between the two places in my mind. I’ve shared the color and texture of the rocks I overturned, but neglected to describe the weight and location. Intentional off center distraction. But this is changing, my direction has shifted…….
In light of my recent blog-blackout, I spent the last two days printing off the entries I hadn’t saved in paper form. (I’m experiencing paranoia) I had a two year catch up and a lofty ink cartridge bill at OfficeMax. The desire to print priceless comments from readers, along with the entry is a pricey one~but worth it~
I was disappointed in myself for letting great lapses in entries occur. I missed a lot of personal history in my neglect. Even so, the evolving evidence of me is still found within my words and for that I was intrigued. Change in it’s subtle evolution is difficult to recognise when our noses are in such close proximity to the reality. I can barely define the incline that got me to this point. I know at times it was steep and overwhelming, while other moments I strolled across even fields. Such is life.
I pictured a year from now. The time when I will look back at what I’ve written for the year and I already know I will see a few defining moments about myself. I will see that in April of 2009 I personally opened the window into my life, with much less smoke screen. I won’t be upset with myself for neglecting my history and I realize today I’ll probably continue past April 30th with near (notice I don’t say positively) daily entries. Printing off my last two years of blogging has me mourning all the days I’ve now lost into unreliable memories.
I’ve always struggled with my motives and purpose for blogging. That fact has always aggitated me. I dislike (hate) not understanding why I do or don’t do certain things. Be it blogging or other life choices. Many people seem confident and purpose filled with their content and roles. I’ve always been the blogger orbiting erratically without a planet to revolve around. But, I think I’m finally circling in on personal purpose. I do need a bit of gravity, not so much that I’m grounded, but enough to keep me focused. I’m gravitating to my role. Maybe in a year from now I’ll be able to define it~
Dear Rebecca, (yes, when I write in my journal, I write to myself)