Tag Archives: connection

The Age of Perspective

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This weekend while strolling around an art festival arm in arm with two wonderful men (aren’t I the smart gal) I ran into the Mother of an old, old, haven’t talked to old friend in 18 years, sort of blast from my past. Now usually if I spot anyone that is from R-BC (Rebecca Before Children) I run the opposite direction like a doe running from a wolf of memories, but I shocked myself in a moment of brazen curiosity and walked up to old friends Mom.  I must have left a lingering impression because she remembered me, and it must have been a decent impression because she didn’t gasp, “Oh noooooooo not you!” (and run the opposite direction with her fingers in her ears) Instead, she was very friendly and instantly called me by my R-BC name ~ Becky.

We talked for some time, catching up, filling in the years of what I’ve been up too and this sweet Mom, catching me up on her daughters world. What struck me, and has lingered since Saturday is the huge difference in my life compared to my old friend. I have two children, old friend is thinking about having kids soon. I’ve been married twice, she’s never married. She lived out the country for 10 years, I’ve never broke past the borders of Idaho. My oldest daughter is the same age R-BC and old friend hung out last. Hello time warp……..

Kaitlyn & Shelby

Kaitlyn & Shelby 1st day of School 2009

We are the same age, yet, our lives that once mirrored one another are so far removed, universes apart and our realities only share the common thread of past memories. When I got home Saturday evening I pulled up the picture of my two daughters and their first day of school this year. When I was 19 years old I had a baby and that baby is now 17 years old and a Senior in High School. Time in a vice grip.

Since the day, the very second I moved out of my parents home with a baby on my hip, I have lived life firmly attached to parenthood and adulthood responsibilities. I never experienced life apart from my parents and solely responsible for myself and myself alone like my old friend. Yes, to this day, I wonder what could have been, where I would have gone, what I could have done if I hadn’t poured such precious concrete around my future.

I don’t believe what I feel is regret, but rather the occasional discreet glances over my shoulder at turning points. I am human and not to glance occasionally would be downright inhuman —right? For me a very profound defining moment happened one month after I turned 19 and it wasn’t the sex, it was the baby it created. The moment of conception is when my path in life took a hard left and I was shuffled off the learn solitary independence path my friends were on and I lined up, single file, on the fast track to caring for another, 24/7.

This subject, my reality and past is itchy grass to sit down in. Sometimes I observe my girls and wonder if they realized what I gave up for them, not just in my youth, but other path choices over the years, if they would pity me, feel unwarranted guilt or understand my love and what I thought was best for them superseded anything I could have gifted myself. I’ll never know because they will never know. Unnecessary truths and admissions can create burdens no innocent soul should carry. I see no need to ever go there…….

I’ve planned a meeting with my old friend. I look forward to absorbing her stories and her view of the world around her. I’ll look at it as a foggy confirmation or disenchantment of what could have been and in return, I’ll share with her what life having children out the gate of teenage-hood has gifted and shown me. Maybe we’ll look at each other and feel so disconnected it will be the last time we talk. Perhaps we’ll click like we once did and simply enjoy our different life perspectives. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll both envy a piece of what each other has had or has now and together we can thread a common connection once again.

On the bright side, when I do find myself slipping over the shoulder glances at where I’ve been I can straighten up, look forward and because of my past, I’m like totally in the homestretch of having children home 24/7 and at the age of 37 I couldn’t even comprehend, fantasize or swallow having a baby at this age. Hell—oooo Noooo to the double O.

What I really appreciate about perspective is that it has a nice resounding bitch slap when you need it the most~

When did huggable become social grace?

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This is alittle close for comfort

This is alittle close for comfort

So, something has been bothering me. This issue, although non-life threatening, changing, and basically insignificant…..is like a piece of sand floating around on my eyeball and despite my valiant effort to ignore it, it’s still annoying me. So, I’ll just slander myself here and call it good.

It wasn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last time, but after the last five day social fiesta, I was once again accused of dropping the hug etiquette ball. Basically, I am a non-hugger. Or maybe that should read……Rebecca is often forced to hug, but evidence suggests she fails (flails) miserably at it.

Robert: “You are so funny to watch when people are hugging you. You really suck at hug etiquette.”
Rebecca: “What do you mean?!! I hug. I hugged no less then 10 people tonight.”
Robert: “Ya, ok, you ‘hugged’ if you call it that. But you’re stiff as a board and you are the only person I’ve ever seen put 3 feet of space between you and the person you’re hugging. You may not realize it, but it makes you look cold and uncaring.”
Rebecca;”Damnit, I’m not a cold and uncaring person just because I don’t melt my body with someone I barely know. I care! I’m kind!”
Robert: ” I know that, but you can be confusing to people because you give off mixed signals. You’ll talk to them, make them feel all warm and cozy, but when they go to give you a hug you practically run from them.”
Rebecca: ” I hug you and the girls good enough, don’t I?”
Robert: “Yes you do, you hug us like you mean it, but we are the exception. Everyone else gets the tree that bends in the middle for a quick shoulder to shoulder touch”
Rebecca: “Great, I’m an unhuggable tree. Anything else you’d like to add?”
Robert: ” Your ass does look cute when you stick it way out and away from everyone.”
Rebecca: ” Good to know.”

I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing wrong. I know my ass does tend to stick out because usually everyone is shorter then me and I’m bending over to recieve the impending hug. Perhaps this is evasive action, but I unhinge at the hip, bend way over and out thereby touching my shoulders to their shoulders. This I believe creates that 3 feet of space Robert was referring to and I’ll usually throw in a one handed back pat. I’ll pat twice if I’m feeling gracious, three times if I’m feeling rambunctious, and quickly retreat back to an upright position. Not good enough? Not feeling some care from that?

Would it be better if I stood up straight, wrapped my arms around the person in earnest, pulled them in flush to my body? I could really show some love by pressing their nose into the valley between my breasts and hummmm softly. Would that imply caring or simply smother a person into a cozy zone?

I’d really like to fix this failing social grace of mine. Maybe the next time a man that is of equal size or taller hugs me (if he’s shorter he would probably enjoy the above paragraph), I could wrap a leg behind theirs and slide it up and down for some extra lovin. I could probably throw in an ass grab and press my boobs against their chest to convey a memorable ‘nice to meet you sir’ gesture.

When it comes down to it, I admit, I’m not a touchy feelie sort of person. I do happen to enjoy people very much, but that doesn’t mean I need a soul pressing hug to validate my internal emotions.

What happened to the handshake in a social setting? Is a handshake so cold and impersonal that it’s currently off the social menu? Why is connection signed, sealed and delivered through physical contact, i.e. an authentic, zero personal space, hug? These questions are the social sand in my eye.

And for you honest huggers out there. I admire your ability to press solidly, pat soundly and impart your physical impression on others. Just don’t hold my 3 feet against me. K?

The Internet Connection……

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Connection

Connection

This weekend I had the privilege of meeting someone that technically came from the “Internet”. When I think of a meeting that stemmed from computer origins, it’s like someone found the magical potion to mysteriously crawl from their screen and poof, they are real, alive, in full color and in 3-D outline.

I can’t claim I was part of the planning and co-ordinating of this meeting. I can’t even claim to have known this person prior to our first handshake. Husband gets the credit for sifting @AprilBraswell out of the basket of twitter.

It went a bit like this, “Hey, wife, Friday night can we meet April from twitter?”

Me, eyebrows pinched, “Ahhh ok, do I know this April? Hell, do you even know her?”

Hubby, “Oh sure, we tweet, she’s an incredible relationship specialist.”

Me, eye’s wide, “Is there something I should know, is this an ambush? I swear I only whined a little bit about you tossing Provocation into the pit of fire!”

Hubby, chuckling, “No hun, I didn’t hire her, she’ll be in town for the weekend, for a class, and thought it would be fun to meet up for dinner. Promise.”

Once I was positive it wasn’t some sort of intervention, I agreed.

I’m so glad I did! We laughed, we talked, we ate, we went back to her hotel lobby and sat by the fireplace eating cookies and drinking coffee till late in the night. April was smart, humorous, always smiling and the time went by in a flash. I had a fantastic time and can’t wait to meet up with her again in the future. I made a new friend and that’s something I hadn’t put on the agenda for the weekend.

Beyond having a beautiful time, I learned something from April I admit previously wasn’t even on my radar. She explained why she enjoys meeting up with people from the Internet whenever she travels. Something I’ve never attempted to do. Not once in all my travels…….I realized I’ve been missing out on the potential to bridge the space between this computer screen and all the wonderful people I connect with via written words. I’ve been ignoring the basic principles of meeting someone face to face, shaking their hand…..boisterous laughter and in-depth conversations. I don’t even have a pat reason why I’ve neglected the possibility and opportunities all these years.

But I aim to change that. So, who wants to do coffee and which State do I need to put in my travel plans? (grin)

Honestly, I do think I’ve been missing the connection boat. In a way I think meeting people from the Internet carried an air of taboo around it, back in the days……..but has that changed? Has the dynamics evolved into something less spooky without my knowledge? To further satisfy my curiosity, how many of you that are still reading this have met someone from the ‘Internet’ ? How did it go? ….Or, if you haven’t at this point in time, would you be brave enough to test those choppy waters? Go out on a limb? Throw caution to the wind? Shake a real live hand……..

Inquiring mind (s) wants to know~~

On My Honor

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I have a bit of backlog acknowledgments to mention before I let loose the typing fingers on whatever topic they decide to pound out for the day, which currently, is still undecided (Rebecca, the writer, wake up!) First up~
My site was nominated for The Blogitzer!  I’m trying to stifle the shyness in me and force myself to mention all this, so here we go…*The Blogitzer* and one other nomination, that I’m truly trying to ekk up the courage to place on here. It has the letters H and O plus T followed by Mommies. If you really want to know, you’ll have to click on that badge ( if I’ve done this badge thing correct, you can click on that green box and it will be like a magical carpet ride off to the Bloggers Choice Site, but don’t click yet, I have more to say)……..I’d like to thank @Jtuwliens for this honor. Her description about my site dropped my jaw to the floor and makes me want to read me! I am very honored and extremely grateful. Thank You~ If anyone feels like going there, and voting for Provocation of Mine (d), I thank you as well!

Over the last month several people have mentioned my blog for various Honors. I know I’m quite the slacker in the department about mentioning those personal nods on my blog. To be honest, I’m currently having a heart attack about putting that nomination badge up there, it’s a me thing…..But, I assure everyone it is not because I am un-grateful or there is a lack of appreciation, just the opposite. Humble pie constricts my throat, I smile a lot, but I’m hopelessly bad at taking a compliment. I hope by adding an Honors page at the top of my blog, and always (from now on that is, and as much as I’d love to go back and include all the honors I’ve received over time, I just can’t) including them there, I’m doing right by the people who have done so………Thank you everyone!!!

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Yesterday I received an email from someone that has had me thinking a lot about the power of words. (Swallow J, don’t worry, I’m not giving details, on my honor) This email was from someone who read one of my letters to my daughters, about Death and Loss, and he was touched enough to write me an email about how it effected him.

I was moved, for many reasons. Today I see this big picture. A strand of connection that is threaded in and around the choices I make when it comes to words and writing. I’m not just talking about blog writing, although it’s a form of connection I doubt could be rivaled.

I write letters to my daughters, both here on my blog as a series (that’s been neglected), and handwritten ones. I write letters for the snail mail and send them off to friends with the hope that my words touch a persons day unexpectedly. I write short stories and novel length sagas without an ounce of expectation, but I do know someday they will connect one way or another with the universe. I give my life timeline and concrete memories via my blog. Words with purpose, sentences with connection, a paragraph that embraces or makes one laugh. I realized I do need that, I do want that for myself and I do thrive standing in the river surrounded by movement. I realized, in one form or another, words have a current and I am a better, happier, more content person when I share them. My life is also more richer when I actively seek others words and connection. Be it books, letters, blogs, a news article………….

I imagine everyone has a reason for why they write, what they write. Perhaps it’s important to them, ~the why~, perhaps it doesn’t matter in the least. I am prone to navel gazing, so to some degree, purpose for doing things is always on my radar. So today, I’m just finally uncovering the method to the madness. The ying and the yang of why I do what I do. I like knowing purpose and I believe I’m finally closing in on that definition.

~Grace note: Here’s a concept to try out~ As J did for me, write someone an email telling them how much you appreciated something they wrote. You could make their day, their week and bring an unexpected smile to their world~

 

Let Me Introduce ~ Guest Post

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This is my first guest post ever in the history of, well, my personal history of blogging. Evidently this is my month to break new ground, span new horizons, and go where I have not has gone before. In my quest for content, I found a question on my mind, one that I would be curious to know about most anyone.  I imagine the ‘reasons’ would be as diverse as any neighborhood. I would love to read about your personal answer to this question, and if you write about it in my comments, I thank you. If you want to write about it in length and post it in your blog, please let me know and I’ll do a follow up entry here with links to everyone’s answers. I find such diversity divine.

The Questions: 1) How has the Internet, specifically the Blogging community helped, influenced, changed, inspired you since you started blogging?

Now, for my esteemed and honored Guest, please give her a warm welcome, Indigo Ravenwood of Scream Quietly. Indigo was gracious enough to catch my inquiry and respond in her beautiful heartfelt style. I am honored. I am delighted. I adore Indigo. She gives me shit and makes me laugh and just as effortlessly, she offers wisdom and comfort like a warm blanket on a cold day. Indigo has been a huge part of the blogging community since her words circled around all of us and we are better for it. Her story is unique and inspiring and a gift to anyone that reads it. Enjoy~ Your Host, Rebecca

i_watch_tv_by_vanji_artBut words are things, and a small drop of ink,
Falling, like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think. – Lord Bryon

When Rebecca decided to take on the 30 post in 30 days challenge, my first thoughts were you’re insane and I do believe I said as much. Not that I doubted her writing ability…more in line with thinking it would be taxing to keep up the eloquence/beauty, I find in her writing on a daily basis. I’m not even of her caliber and it’s something I would find daunting. Trying to be nothing more than helpful I happened to mention she could fill a few of those days in with guest writers. Ever have one of those insert foot in mouth moments? Eh ohm, yeah like that…I ended up getting myself nominated. No problem; send me a topic and I’ll send something winging your way.

It takes a few days before this topic shows up in my email: 1) How has the Internet, specifically the Blogging community helped, influenced, changed, inspired you since you started blogging? Ooh, easy topic. Wait a minute this is me…not so easy after all, but for Rebecca – Fine twist my arm, I’m up for the challenge.

In order to understand how the internet/blogging community did all of the above, it might be in my best interest to start with how I first became involved in blogging. I’m assuming just saying kicking and screaming the whole way won’t do (looks quizzically at Rebecca). Didn’t think so; yet in all honesty that’s exactly how it happened. I didn’t have time nor the patience to sit and entertain myself with a computer before I lost the last of my hearing. Life changes end up giving you unprecedented doorways you might have never considered before.

I went Deaf at 39. 6 months later I had a computer given to me. I didn’t want anything to do with it; I hated the idea that most of my communication was suppose to now be found in this gateway. Silence is a lonely crippling demon to an individuals independence and self worth. A year after receiving my computer I finally went online and started exploring. I wish I could highlight it as some kind of excitement/yearning craving to learn something new. Alas it was pure desperation and need to reach out to another human being that opened that door.

My first entries sound like a wayward innocent child taking those wobbly early steps into writing. My excuses for those early forays were it would give me a format to write about my experiences with a working dog for the deaf, which coincidentally was around the time Pickles arrived in my life. The more I wrote, the more the words began to flow. I was learning to put my distrust of humans in general on the back burner, pushing who I was – all of me to the forefront. I never expected to find popularity among so many. It would be lying not to admit that the comments and encouragement pushed me to write better, open up more and leave my lone wolf personality tethered offline.

You see online, in this arena…I’m not Deaf. Unless I make a point to let you know that about me, more than likely you would miss that one glaring fact. So how has it changed for me? It gave me a voice, a voice that is far louder and prominent than my silence ever will be. I became more outspoken on matters close to my heart – Domestic Violence issues and Animal Cruelty. More importantly, I started for the first time in my life, to give a voice to the silence that surrounded the abuse I endured for most of my life. My story with all its ugly degrading details began to unfold.

I found a whole foundation of others who had lived through a similar horror and survived. Friends and the community as a whole rose up to support me, and continued to encourage me in my growth. I truly believe blogging/journaling/writing whatever you want to call it gave me the courage to embrace my deafness; enough so that eventually…my story will be that elusive book someday. Does it matter if I’m ever published or a best seller in this world? I won’t say I wouldn’t love to have that happen, but find myself sitting here nodding no – not really. The greatest of it all, at the end of the day…would be finding my way back to me, the person I used to be before I went Deaf.

It’s as close to life changing as you’re going to get from beginning to end. The internet made it possible for me to be on the same playing field as you are. Modern day miracles…

Indigo Ravenwood