Tag Archives: blogging

100 Blog Posts and a Comment

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99 plus 1

99 plus 1

This entry marks my 100th blog entry for Provocation of Mine (d) Oh, Hello CHA-CHING ~
Of course the number does not reflect the true number of blog entries I’ve flung out over the years since I have moved locations a few times, but still…..100….in this blog…..in under a years time.

I’m on freakin fire……….

A few weeks ago I was in the living room when I could hear laughter coming from the office. It rang out, then went quiet, then I’d hear a chuckle, then quiet, repeat about five times before I hauled myself up and went in to see if my husband was watching puppet pornos or something worse on his computer.

Low and behold I busted him big time. Reading this site. The visual evidence, Provocation on his screen, and I took a deep breath and inquired, “So…..I heard you laughing, does that mean everything is all good? I mean, before you say anything, the way I see it, I refrain brilliantly from using the millions of moments I could use you for easy blog fodder” and he responded, “Everything is fine, I’m enjoying this. Not only do I like how you write, but I’m also reading the comments and there is some pretty hilarious stuff in here from the readers.”

~Hilarious is right~
In honor of my 100th post I present my version of a comment snapshot blitz.
Here are some excerpts from over 1500 comments, taken out of context, mini-highlights, randomly chosen for my amusement purposes.

  • Come to think of it, I’m a diet soda whore
  • Multiple husbands would have to be stabled like horses and each one taken out for exercise individually
  • Multiple wives means multiple PMS. No way!!
  • The favorite search term I’ve ever seen used to reach my site was one for “Hot Amish Sex.” I pictured a lonely, old Mennonite with a butter-churning fetish
  • Once you go Blackberry, you never go back(berry)
  • I don’t see the humour in this. My wife would tell you that I am nothing like that. No, you can’t have her cell number
  • I am about to throttle my brain because I’m refraining from not touching the double entente land mines you placed in the first paragraphs
  • My mind went right there. Not sure what that says about the company you’re keeping
  • You, missy, are a bad influence
  • In my mind I am picturing you chanting “The power of Christ compels you, The power of Christ compels YOU!”
  • You scare me, Ms. Might Kick A Man In The Package for amusement purposes
  • A few crossed wires and he might have gotten a phone sex line, which, I must say, has not been the same since they outsourced it to India
  • I’d tell you all sorts of moral strictures about parenting and all, but who really wants to hear that from a childless Atheist who listens to Marilyn Manson all the time?
  • I am totally afraid to click on that link…..you gals are scaring me!
  • Hooray for boobies!!!!
  • You ain’t nuffin but a hound dog
    provocin’ me all the time
    You ain’t nuffin but a hound dog
    From a place called op de zoom
    You can walkabout all you want
    But your ass will never be mine.

Pure Poetry in my humble opinion.  Thank you brilliant contributors.

Blog Trolls, Moles and Sad Souls

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I’ve done the blogging gig for over 5 years. If we equate that amount of time in true blog years, that basically makes me an elderly blog grannie with saggy socks and crazy hair who can be found taking frequent blog naps. I am also the old blog who is set in her ways with a wicked amount of blog observation under her browser. I’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. At this point nothing can surprise me, however, that doesn’t mean I don’t get cranky sometimes……..

I can honestly say that over the years I’ve avoided all things blog ‘drama’ and or negative 98.1% of the way. Basically, the secret to my sauce is avoidance, neutral involvement and maintaining a semi-detached version of myself up for public offerings. I also find people I enjoy and visit occasionally and if I don’t like someone I move along, never to visit again. (side note: and sometimes I really do like a person, but still lose touch with them)Pretty simple concept.

The few negative comments or emails I’ve received over the years pretty much made me 1) laugh 2) ignore with mild annoyance 3) think WTF (hello insane Internet neighbor) 4) get reasonably pissed or 5) deal with the interruptions like fallen lint off the ass end of a pesky blog fly that gets vacuumed up.

I wish I could understand the motivations of the trolls and moles. I do think they are appropriately named….Those that go hiding behind fake emails, names, proxies and any other slinking underground maneuvers they can sniff up. Such effort! Such time commitment! Such twisted behavior! Such dirty work! And the rewards for all that dirt moving? A reaction! A rebuttal! A response! A blog entry all about them! This is my gift to you. Enjoy.

I would think that if a persons highlight of the day is to 1) try to provoke negativity 2) ruin a persons day 3) smear another persons name 4) stir the proverbial pot or 5) flick lint off their ass on another persons carpet—-they need to seriously take a deep breath. They need to think really long and really hard about what they are trying to accomplish and what in the hell is personally wrong within because good people generally don’t get off on hurting others.

If you are a mole troll, might I suggest considering–Would your Mother be proud of your mole holes? What would your children think of Mom slithering around the Internet inserting negativity onto other peoples world. Or how about this, what would your wife or husband think if the authorities showed up at your house for harassment? Think about explaining that one to your family…..

A little hint here for those living in lala land~ the Internet isn’t so anonymous anymore, your hole can be discovered with a few hound dogs and a couple of shovels. Thats the smell of your trail. Despite your fake everything, please comprehend this—You still leave a trail of shit droppings.

Now, with those thoughts out of the way I’d like to address a few specific individuals of the lint nature.

Ruby Tuesday ~ If I wanted an opinion about someone I consider a friend, I would have publicly asked for one. I didn’t, so that makes your intrusion on my blog spewing ridiculous personal opinion a deplorable act of immature mole behavior. You gave your opinion, so here’s mine.

I suggest you take a hard look at why you would want to slander someone, then wrap your warped motivations around a mirror and take a good look at yourself. Usually the things you think you see in others, the things you may be inclined to outwardly attack, are the exact things you deplore about yourself, tis the human nature of an insecure soul. Lets face it, you’re the one actively slandering someone beyond their borders. That would make you the creepy snail trail. You wrote ~  ”Rebecca, why is it you support Heather so much..” There is an easy answer to that question. I’ve accepted her as a friend and in that choice, I accept everything about her. Your opinion is beyond irrelevant to me.  Now kindly fuck off.

To the person who has their panties in a wad over my comment activities let me just say this. First email (beyond the cheap shots) I could have slightly respected. “You are not commenting !! on Rebeccas blog!! anymore!!” Cool, I’m down with that! I’m fairly certain my blog will go on without your interaction or expectations….just saying…

Second email, ok, you made your point, relax, take a laxative and a yoga class.
Third email, I’m starting to think you need to seriously consider a new life goal beyond counting comments, but whatever, if it twirls your skirt.
Fourth email…I suggest you slowwwwly walk awayyyyy from the computer. Your slim thread of any remaining logic is hanging precariously close to the edge of comment count hell. I hear in that hell NO ONE ever EVER comments. Life as you know it will be one entry after another and no comments for you! It will be all my fault of course, but I’ll manage to live with it.  

I read your shallow thought process (rants and sniveling), however, I must say, this blog grannie isn’t changing anything about the way I do things because you have a wedgie. I for one don’t play the tit-for-tat, obligation ridden mentality of comment back scratching… No thank you. I do pity the people who may be commenting in your blog. You should put a disclaimer on your homepage “warning, if you comment once here and I comment in your blog twice I will go mole whacky because our comment balance is off”~~ move along little mole. Pour a new bowl of Cheerios. Life is short. Tomorrow may never come. Grab a rainbow. Dance naked in the moonlight. Then find a comment support group, asap…..kisses and love oh so strange one.

Better Believe It

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Well Helllooooo Darlings, how’s it going? Whats up? Are we shakin and shimmerin? Does everyone have life by the balls, you know, the balls that we prefer rolling smoothly downhill and not being pushed up thee hypothetical hill? I do hope so. I’m of reliable authority on the matter of life balls (repeat:life) and can say, pushing them up a hill is rather tedious.

Over the last week or so, a few individuals have waved their magical wands and bestowed upon me various mentions and awards. Now, I know I’m notoriously bad, awful, most certainly lacking and downright borderline anti-social in the blogging world. (Fault admission by definition is the level of truth one willingly puts forth, not to be confused with excuses) However despite my social deficits, I do take notice, most certainly appreciate and always feel grateful for such mentions.

So without further tongue tripping, I’d like to publicly thank:

friendsDrey of Dreys Library for picking me out of her huge fan base for the “Lets be Friends award” Thank you!! I read the definition of this award and felt most humbled. Thank you for the smiles~

If you are a book lover, a giveaway seeker and enjoy reading reviews and insight to new books on the market this blog is for you. I for one have WON, as in chi-ching-winner-winner-winner, books from her site and was beyond delighted. Go check it out and may the book force be with you~

honest-scrapIndigo Roth from the illustrious Indigo Wrath Blog chased me down and pinned the Honest Scrap award on my forehead. When I realized what he had done I tried to come up with a quick lie that could get me out of it, but telling him I was really an Internet robot programmed to write occasional random and irrelevant words of subliminal messages didn’t seem believable, I figured I would accept. Thank you~

Indigo Roth has one good ear and an entertaining blog with some rather witty and interesting commentary. I suggest checking it out. Oh, and since I’m the honest soul let me remind the world~ Snicker Bars and Diet Coke are like, totally healthy~

superior scribbler awardDebra, Debra, Debra of Debra l Schubert sent my direction the Superior Scribbler Award. I take this as quite the compliment considering Debra is a real live, real deal, as in writes books, hobnobs with agents, goes to book conferences sort of writer.

In fact, I’d bet my favorite pen that Debra even has writers stench which I happen to think is a very admirable trait and I completely aim to emulate. In my humble opinion there’s nothing more divine than the aroma of a day full of writing.

Go visit her site, it’s always rockin good fun ~ Thank you Debra and ehhh, don’t take that writers stench the wrong way, it’s snort-able in the best of ways.  

So do I get a tiara with any of those? Or maybe a sparkly staff I can swing from the rock I’ve squatted on perhaps? Creepy, why is it when I typed those words a menacing voice spoke up in my mind and rumbled, “No sparkles for you, evahhh, rule breaker!”

 There’s a lot of rules, guidelines, terms and conditions that I’m pretending never existed with those above awards. Soo… I have a doctors note? I know, I’ve got me an internal defense system that revolts at reading instructions? My computer imploded when it realized I was trying to follow the proper steps? I got kicked off the cheer leading squad for doing an unauthorized back flip which has traumatized me for life in the rules department ? No? None of those excuses work? Ok, fine, back to the truth zone of personal admission. I suck.

Psstt….Snicker Bars and Diet Coke are the lifeline of humanity ~

Health: A Popular Form of Self Imposed Torture

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Ode to the Snickers Bar

Ode to the Snickers Bar

If health is a “frame of mind and body”, then I should say my frame is the type one might find in the discount bin at the local Salvation Army. No. strike that…that’s giving my health stock too much value. I’m probably more like the frame that has split in several places and someone tossed it in the garbage bin because they were too embarrassed to donate it to the Salvation Army.

Yup, that’s me. Garbage bin extraordinaire.

Adopting a healthy plan of attack seemed like a reasonable if not sound solution to my current struggling mentality. Eat right, exercise daily and by general principle alone a person should FEEL overall better. That’s the rumor, that’s what a million and two articles suggest, talk shows, Oprah, even Doctors imply such drastic measures!

So I thought I’d give the healthy side of the coin a whirl~ I’m trying ~ But I’m flailing ~ But I’m still keeping an open mind………..

I believe a person either has a healthy inner mentality or they don’t. A bit like either someone is a drinker–or not. Smoker–or not, Gambler–or not. Nascar watcher–or hell no, not. I fall into the never thought about it, never cared about it, never bought a scale to watch weight, never looked at labels, “is 2800 calories for a milk shake bad?”, never afraid of McDonalds and always willing to eat a light dinner so I could take seconds at the dessert table, side of the railroad tracks.

Since I’ve never been on a diet for weight or health, in my entire life, eating with intention and attention is a COMPLETELY foreign concept. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on because that’s what a person does when they start at the kindergarten level. Right now, if good intention and reading about going healthy and wholesome counted for anything I’d be a fine tuned human being fully loaded with optimized joints and muscles like lean meat. All the pistons in my brain would be firing on perfectly timed belts and I’d probably float down the street during my daily walks/runs like a messiah parting the seas from my, oh so healthy, air current. Sadly, reading doesn’t count for a whole lot in this department……..

I’ve ran into some real (huge) problems with this endeavor. Adjustments and exceptions seem to crop up every single day and evidently my Will Power Corporation is at odds with my Ambitious LLC.  

Here are some general observations and exceptions

  • Diet Coke should be allowed into the program because it has the word Diet in it. ‘Nuff said, I don’t want to hear it~
  • Healthy eating is irrelevant in the face of monster buffets at family reunions~
  • Dinner at Moms house is exempt from moderation because she is a fabulous cook~
  • Whole wheat pasta takes like shit cardboard paste and by gag reflex alone is OFF the menu~
  • Anything that makes me gag once is off the menu, no exceptions~
  • A carrot stick is NOT a Snicker bar, no matter how I attempt to convince my mind it’s a decent snack~
  • Going healthy makes an extremely unhealthy body feel even worse…current rumor implies that’s temporary, but I’m starting to think people just like watching misery from afar~
  • Doing sit ups is the most BORING exercise known to man~
  • Be cautious of anything that says ‘zero fat, zero sugar, zero carbs or zero anything’ ~
  • Self denial inspires criminal thoughts. Things like, “Eat that Butterfinger in front of me and I will physically hurt you” and so on~

This shall stand as my official confession from the trenches of Health & Truth

  • Exception number 58-telling the truth earns one cookie

Smart Indeed

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Last weekend was the first weekend I stayed in town, El Boysaaaayy, the big city of Idaho, this entire summer. I can’t say why we decided to stay put, but if I remember correctly, it went something like this. “We should probably stay in town this next weekend, do some yard work, be adult like in behavior.” Sense the maturity and wisdom in that? Had I known, or taken the initiative to check a weather report, I would have seen it was publicly predicted that life as we know it would swelter under a kite of triple digits over said weekend. If I realized heat stroke was on the menu, I would have packed in 5 minutes and headed North, probably to Alaska.

I didn’t. I’m not smart like that.

Photo Credit ~ My daughter Kaitlyn

Photo Credit ~ My daughter Kaitlyn

Since we were officially stuck in a town where Mizz Sunshine was pulling up her dress and flashing her blazin’ 105 degree panties, we did what smart people are expected to do. We said a prayer for our sizzled lawn and went downtown to boil our brains and watch people even smarter than us, bike race the Twilight Criterium.

During the hours of 3 p.m through ohh, about midnight, it felt like we weren’t actually downtown, but in a crematorium sanctioned by Mizz Sunshine herself~~~ ‘Fry those morons who think they can withstand me’ her righteous panties declared.

I honestly tried not to whine, and complain as I sat (melted) in my lawn chair. I tried not to fling the back of my hand to my forehead and beg for mercy. I was after all, sitting and there was (clearly deranged or super human) people racing bicycles under the opressive heat.  We all knew it was HOT because we were reminded every 5 minutes by a loudspeaker ” Folks! According to our thermometer it’s 110 degrees on the concrete out there!”

Although my mind certainly suffered under a degree of heat stroke, I do remember a few things. For one SWEAT. Let me state for the record, I’m not a sweat producing individual. I’m just not. The rare times I have felt the salty sensation called perspiration, it’s usually contained to the armpit region and I’m typically hiking up a steep ass hill when such a breaking of the body rank occurs. I don’t like sweat so I’m pro-active. My Ladies Speed stick is my friend and usually all the reinforcement I need. But on Saturday I could have rolled an entire stick of Ladies shower fresh Speed stick over every inch of my body and it wouldn’t have helped. I discovered there’s more to sweating then just traitorous armpits. I discovered the human body is fully capable of sweating in the 1) armpits, 2) elbow pits 3) knee pits 4) arches of feet 5) back of neck 6) finger pits 7) toe pits 8) upper lip 9) between breasts and 10) I will just say, underwear region. Who knew!  

Share photos on twitter with TwitpicNow, we were all hot and bothered enough. Truly. The excitement of the race, the sweating that could not be contained, the euphoric phenomenon of heat stroke. We didn’t think it could get much better or enjoyable then that, but add a boobie show to the mix and we’ve got smart perfection.

You know somethings up at a bicycle race if suddenly everyone is looking up, instead of keeping a close watch on the bikes zinging by. Your eyes follow the pointing of fingers and bam, there they are–Boobs. The only thing that could distract fanatical fans (because only fanatical fans would suffer under 105 temps to watch right?) from watching the bikers fly by.

I did what any heat fried brain under such distraction would do. I whipped out Mizz Blackberry and her 1999 pic quality capabilities and captured the Boobs for memory (proof) sake. (Ok, I twittered it, I could. not. resist.)  I guess if I was a youngin, and hordes of sun crazed souls were melting onto the ground below my city apartment, it might have crossed my mind to flash some breast just so the last thing the sad souls below would remember before they flat-lined in the sun was boobs. In the days, I might have been that person. I’m not saying I was that sort of gal because I admit nothing. Anyway……..

The gal seemed to enjoy her place, up there, watching everyone point, strain their necks and cover little kids eyes. She shifted, she flashed, she twisted and gave us different profiles. All in the name of sporting good fun. Come to think of it, she was probably the smartest of everyone that fine Saturday. She was inside, nice and cool, she stole the show from the bikers and I doubt she broke a single droplet of sweat up there in her ivory tower of flashdome.

A day full of smart, all the way around indeed.