Category Archives: Mother in the Hood

It’s a Mom thing. I have 2 daughters, that means I’m highly qualified in this department!

On Being Mom

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~Who's my sweet Geek? Who~

~Proof is in the picture~

Mom 1: Yesterday I wasted better part of an hour trying to change my font size here. In my usual fashion, once I skidded past the point of reasonable patience I started verbally attacking my computer and the Church of WordPress. Since I can be loud during momentary rants of evilness, my youngest daughter Kaitlyn came into my office to investigate. This is how it went down.

Kaitlyn: “Tell me the problem and let me see if I can help you fix it.”

Me: “All right Mizz Smarty Pants. This thing here says my font is 0.8em, but if I move it to 0.9em which seems logical, I hate the way that looks, all wrong. I googled font sizing, but it’s either these ems things which is what wordpress uses, or px size and it’s all in code that I know nothing about. I just want plain old run of the mill size 12 font.”

Kaitlyn, staring intently at the screen of voodoo codes, “Ok, so you want a font size 12, which is actually px, but your system runs off ems. We just need to convert the sizes, it’s a simple mathematical formula Mom.Plus, you have to realize different font families will always exhibit different sizes, so you’ll probably need a nice simple font family like Times Roman”

Me: “Errr, Ummm, well, ya, ok I was getting to that. So, how would you figure out the, what did you say, conversion rate on font size, because that’s exactly what I would do.” (HA, haahahah, sure I would have)

Kaitlyn grabs a scrap of paper, she starts scribbling down numbers and lines and a mix breed of what looks like hieroglyphics’s mixed with my nightmares from school. And suddenly….

Kaitlyn: “Ok, I’ve got it, for every 3 px it equals .25 em. So if you want 12 font it’s a simple 1.0em, if you want to go smaller, like size 11 font, you can go .916em and it should be perfect. Anything else?”  

Me: “Ahhhh, no sweetie, that should do it. Thank you so much. ” And as she walked away I thought to myself, I gave birth to her right? As in, that is my child, of my blood, my genetics. She is my people, but she speaks in alien tongue…………

~~~~~~~~~

Mom 2: Last night. Shelby comes in, beautiful, smiling, a twinkle in her eye. I immediately crouch into protective mode, she wants something, I can feel it in my Mother bones.

Shelby: ”So Mom, I was thinking, I think it would be awesome if I got a lip ring, what do you think?”

Me, careful not to show any quick movements, nor a flicker of horror, and certainly not a gasp of hell NO. I’ve been the Mother of a teen for awhile now, they have tactics, and so do I. These situations become a test of smiles. First person to break rank and glare, huff, puff, grind teeth or roll their eye’s…. loses. ”Oh, wow, you do huh….well that’s an interesting twist in the accessories department.”  

Shelby: “I think so, and it would be pretty, just a small one. Don’t answer now, just think about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow k, love you. ” And off she bounces………..

So, I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. And this is what my mind sees and then imagines……

~Current Daughter~ Shelby Nov. 2008~

~Current Shelby Nov. 2008~

Current Daughter, Shelby, age 17.

Natural.

Good student.

Gorgeous Smile. Clean lips.

Social Butterfly.

Caring.

Almost to college.

Eager to start life on her own.

And if I start to think, well maybe I could say yes to her request because maybe,… it wouldn’t be the end of the world…….my mind goes HERE………..

~My New Modified Daughter give or take 2 years~

~My New Modified Daughter give or take 2 years~

I can’t help it. I’m a Mom…..our minds go THERE
And there.
And over to that.
And yes, that too……..
I’d bet my Mommy creditials that all parents minds would go there………
Modified over there IS someone’s kid and it started with one!

Fourteen

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~Kaitlyn Anne Fall 2008~

~Kaitlyn Anne Fall 2008~

Today my youngest daughter turns the highly esteemed age of fourteen. Well, she thinks it’s esteemed because it sounds so much more respectable of a ‘teenage’ number then 13 which just sounds like a newbie position as far as teenagehood goes. She’s explained this theory to me in great detail. She LOVES a good theory.

I’m glad she’ll feel more worldly and wise with this new age assignment. She made a good rookie teen at 13 years old, so I can only hope and pray that will carry over into the all so important 14 year old designation.

Raising Kaitlyn has been both a delight and extremely interesting for me. She is like other children on one hand, on the other she’s never been like other children. The simple truth is she is different in her own unique way. I’ve always felt awkward talking about Kaitlyn’s differences because most of it falls in the lines of you have to see it to believe it, know her to understand her and witness how great her smile is to see she’s also a normal kid, with a few extraordinary bonuses.

I knew something was up with her by the time she was a year old. She was already talking up a storm which threw people for a loop because she was so teenie tiny. An early talker didn’t exactly send out red flags, but by the time she was 16 months old she started drawing things. For example, hearts and little stick people. Babies just don’t normally do that.  I won’t admit what age she started reading because that always feels like gratuitous information. And lets just say, she’s been 13 and taking AP High School courses. (no matter how I talk about this kid, it still sounds gratuitous) So, ya know, one of those kids…..Of course I wish I could claim she inherited her highly evolved brain from yours truly, Me, and you all just didn’t know you were in the presence of a genius all this time……….but sadly no, I was and am, just a normal strain of brain.

Kaitlyn is fascinated that I don’t know all the things she sees and comprehends. The jig was up by the 3rd grade when I could no longer look over her specially designed school work and help out if needed. Until that point in time I’m certain I had pulled off a brilliant Mother mastermind facade, but when her homework surpassed my abilities (super ego ouch), I was roasted and had to fess up I didn’t know everything. It only got worse from there. I haven’t helped my daughter with her homework in yearsssssssss….A humbling truth to fess up.

But on the flip side, it’s rather cool to watch her mind work. A few years ago she redesigned lobster traps for the good people of Maine because she had watched an episode of something or other on TV. She deemed their traps inferior and thus sketched out a new lobster trap and requested I send it to the captains of the ships ‘over there.” Once, Kaitlyn measured the interior of our home, up and down and around, just so she could calculate air space by the cubic square footage. I asked her if it was homework and she said, “No, I was just curious”  Yaaa, I’ve often wondered if this child actually came from my uterus or another planet— Just last night she brought me a bottle of Lysol disinfectant and let me know it was ridiculous that cleaners only kill 99.9% of bacteria and she was going to chemically enhance cleaners once she becomes a part time scientist (she has other things on her agenda for the other half of her time) so people can get their full money’s worth at a 100% kill rate. As she explained, leave that .1% and the little singular bacteria bugger will reproduce! You go girl. Just wait everyone, she has notebooks filled with ideas to make the world a better place for us all……….

And then, there is Kaitlyn the human. Although I can’t join her on the evolution of brain power, she forgives me because I take her fly fishing. We hang out and read books. We talk writing because she loves that as well. Writing is the one thing I claim I genetically passing onto her and she’s gracious enough to let me take the credit. Of course, if her novel gets published before my novel……nevermind~ Kaitlyn is an amazing drummer, and has self taught herself various other musical instruments. My Mother gets huge bonus points for being her mentor in that department since musical inclinations evidently skipped a generation. I am without musical skills. Kaitlyn has a close knit group of girlfriends and when she’s with them she acts just like any other teenage girl, which I am thankful for.

I’ve walked a very slim line all these years in my attempt to give Kaitlyn a normal childhood and let her mind do it’s thing. It hasn’t been easy to make the right choices for her, hold her back there, let her go there.  Keep her home for a summer of fly fishing and camping or let her go to Hopkins University for a summer of brain tantalizing challenge. For fourteen years it’s been exciting and worrisome, amazing and mind boggling with this child of mine……Time will tell if I took the right turns, and made the right choices by her. I look forward to seeing what this kid does with her life~ Could be very interesting……..

sized77Happy Birthday Darlin,

Love Mamma

D-Rated Moment

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I am, just a Mother after all. Occasionally we Mothers make innocent mistakes and yesterday proved that undeniable fact.

Now, before I admit this stumble in judgement, let me just say—I rarely watch television. I also don’t go to movies and therefore, don’t watch previews. Because of this lack of interest, I usually don’t read or pay attention to reviews of movies either. Lastly, NO, I have never embraced my inner geek and read comic strips, books, or graphic anything. All clear on that?? Basically, this falls under the ignorance was bliss catagory~

My 13 year old daughter, (although, she’s saying “Fourteen Mom!”  since she turns that magical number next Monday), mentioned she would like to see the movie Watchmen. I asked her, “what’s it about sweetie?” to which she replied, “I don’t know, it’s one of those comic book turned superhero movies.” Images of Spiderman, Batman and Superman danced across my mind…..so why not Watchmen? I made the call to let my parents know their granddaughter would love to go see the movie Watchmen. The three of them are movie buddies and go often enough to get free this and free that from using their Regal Entertainment cards, so this wasn’t exactly an unusual request in the family dynamics.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from my Dad. “I was just looking at the times for the movie. Did you know this movie is R-rated and it says ID required?” I immediately asked my 17 year what was up with the R-rating and Shelby said, “Oh don’t worry about it, if Kaitlyn is with an adult she can get right in.” Great! Problem solved. No fake ID needed.

And now, today, I realize not one of us asked the most basic of questions. WHY is it R-rated….Superman, Spiderman, WatchmAn?….Mother stumble…Fast Forward 6 hours.

The phone call I shall never forget.

My Mother, calling me. As much as I’d like to dialogue the entire conversation I won’t even try. My rock solid and normally calm Mother, who NEVER says bad words or cusses, (ever) was on a rip rolling rant. I’m pretty sure I didn’t say much other then, “OH” and “OHHHH sorry!” but the highlights of this one sided conversation are just too good to lay to rest. The most important heart stopping moments of my Mothers rant are as follows……..

  •  
    • Naked through the whole damn movie
    • Grandparents (good god grandparents!!) taking a 14 year old into a movie like that!
    • What those other people in that theater must have been thinking of us!
    • Dick swinging here. Swinging dick there (All I could think was, oh my god, my Mother said, dick)
    • Semi-erect and hard ons
    • Almost human but no doubts what IT was
    • I will never, ever, trust you and your Father to pick a movie again
    • 3 long painful hours of Porno
    • long dongs and asses ( I’m fairly certain hell hath frozen over now)
    • Grandparents! Child! Mortified!

 Now, I’m sure some people are wondering here why they didn’t just get up and leave. So, to answer that question one would need to fully understand my Father. He is the man that does not waste a penny, extraordinary circumstances be damned. A notorious penny pincher who will cling to his monetary investments to the bitter end. When it comes to movies, there is only one retreat on record. An infamous and historical moment when he thought he was taking his young children and sweet wife to the drive in movie theater to see Flash Gorden. Quality Family Time.

However, as evidenced by the rocket ship in the first scene that was shaped like a penis, it was actually Flesh Gorden. An interesting porno twist on his beloved action hero. Truth be told, he didn’t want to abandon that ship either. He paid good money! But my brother and I wanted to see what all the panic and hoopla in the front seat was about because, well… parental panic makes things tempting and exciting. We became difficult kiddoes who refused to lay down and go to sleep.  

It wasn’t an instant retreat and surrender. My Dad put in a good effort to save his investment by trying to corral and push our heads below the car seats and out of sight of the movie. But,  if he got one of our heads pushed down, the other kid would pop up just out of reach. It was like a game of Whack ‘Em with our little mole heads popping up here and there. Jolly good fun for my brother and I if you think about it. Our first porno flick with a side of carnival games! He gave up eventually, replaced his speaker phone on the pole and drove away, a man ripped off from his money. Father Dan does not like to waste his money under any circumstance……..

So, currently both my Father and I are lacking one side of our asses, and we both get a black mark for not investigating the movie and it’s R-rating thoroughly. Now that my Mother has access to this website I figure I’m taking my life into my own hands by writing this. So, my darling Mother, I’m really hoping you’ll see the after the fact humor in all this…..now……(smile!)  

By the Way, under the guise of damage control and to guesstimate possible permanent damage, I asked Kaitlyn what she thought of the movie. She said, “It was a nice idea and (long pause) interesting.”

Oh Sweet Memories

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Shelby, ” Mom, please don’t talk, gasp, groan, cry out or exhale loudly and please turn your cell phone off”

Mamma Me, ” I swear, you won’t hear a peep outta me. I pledge a vow of silence”

Shelby, “In fact, make sure you sit behind my seat, not behind the Driving Test guy. That way I won’t even see a fraction of your face. I’m sooooo nervous and you make it a thousand times worse” (she’s nervous?? I took a Valium before we left the house)

We arrive for the official Driving Test, so that my daughter can pass with flying colors and be a driver licenced card carrying citizen.  

Drivers Test Dude, “Ok, we are going to pull out of the parking lot. You’re going to look to your left to check for traffic, and then turn right.”

I have hunkered down in the backseat of my car directly behind Shelby. I have buckled up, and although I’ve taken a vow of silence for the duration of this 20 minute driving test, I chant a few Hail Mary’s (there’s no rule that states you must be Catholic to borrow a fantastic notion, right?) I’m worried before we even leave the parking lot. Shelby, who bless her sweet soul, can be extremely nervous when she’s doing something uncomfortable. She wrings her hands and fidgets, she becomes painfully quiet and bites her bottom lip. She’s been doing that for over an hour prior to showing up to take the drivers test. At this point in time I can feel the nerves vibrating off her like the string on a guitar being played by a 8o’s heavy metal rockstar.  

She eases the car out of the parking lot and starts to turn left…

Driver test Dude, “Stop, stop,” (might as well have been a cops siren)

Shelby slams the break which lurches all three of us forward, not enough to cause whiplash, but enough that Test Dudes clipboard goes flying off his lap. I immediately slink a little lower in my seat and cast my eye’s to the floorboards. Vow of silence has not been broken, score one for the Mother, but I’m incredibly worried about my kid now. If she had any nerves left, I’m pretty certain they just short circuited.

Test Dude, sorta calmly, ”I said, look to your left and turn right. Now, put the car in reverse, back up, then lets try that again and turn right.”

So this is what I know, and during moments when your life suddenly passes before your eye’s, things can get distorted, but I shall try here. Shelby put my car into reverse, she lightly put the gas on and started to back up. All systems go. At that point in time I was still looking at my floorboards thinking I should have them shampooed and I remember the Dude saying, “Stop now.” ( so this is my guess, she was already panicked/jumpy about the first stop, so when he did that, she went to slam the break again, but instead slammed the gas)

So suddenly, there was a reverse  acceleration at a G-force rate of speed backwards into the parking lot. If anyone has ever wondered…. if that whole exorcist head turning on it’s spine in a 180 degree maneuver is possible, I’m here to say,  it is. I don’t think my body moved, but my head spun around to guesstimate what she was going to total my sweet sports car into. My fingers made permanent indentation’s into the leather seats, but by God, I didn’t scream out “OHHH FUCK” or “GOODBYE LIFE” or anything at all! (score two) But Holy Hell, Drivers Test Guy made up for my mandatory silence. He started screaming, “BREAK BREAK BREAK STOP BREAK STOP.” I imagine his foot was flailing for the emergency foot break on the right side of the car, but since they make these kids take the test in their parents car, no dice for him.

With inches (seriously, teenie tiny inches, all I could see out the back window was looming tailgate) to spare, Shelby stopped the car before plowing into the back of a parked pickup truck. We then had 3 seconds of painful silence broken only by Freaked Out Driver Test Dude pulling the emergency break (a little late), unlocking his seat belt and flinging his door open so he could make a dive for it in case the car became possessed again. And my poor Shelby. She was slumped over the steering wheel and I could see her little shoulders moving up and down, hair cloaking her face. I had no idea what would happen next and the silence was killing me.

Drivers Test Dude with a Heart to my silent crying daughter, “Would you like a tissue?”

Believe it or not, after 10 minutes of soul searching, in car therapy and a reassuring hand from the back seat on her shoulder. Shelby was able to finally pull out of the parking lot and ace the actual driving test. She lived. I lived. Test Dude lived and my car lived.

No innocent bystanders (THANK GAWD) were harmed in the making of this infamous Mommyhood memory.

Seventeen

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sizedshelby1My eldest daughter turned 17 years old today and I have to admit, this birthday has given me a brick in the stomach feeling. If anyone wants to feel the full effects of the clock of life spinning wildly at warp speed, they only need to have a child.
Since I’m only 36 (for three more months), one can do the math and see I welcomed my sweet daughter into this world when I was only 19 years old myself. I look at her and can’t imagine her having a child of her own 2 years from now. The heart attack I must have given my own Mother!

I wasn’t married when I discovered I was pregnant with Shelby. In fact, the only reason it occurred to me something was amiss was the fact my favorite Guess jeans, size 3, wouldn’t button up. I was clueless, and honestly, not in a good place when I made my jeans/baby discovery. At the time, I was a poster child for alcohol and drug abuse. I was also a high school drop out (substance abuse and school don’t combine well) and living in a world that revolved around me, myself and I. (and yes, I fixed the education issue)

Shelby doesn’t know those things about me. Most people don’t to be honest, it isn’t the sort of thing one broadcasts for table chatter. She doesn’t know that the moment I found out I was pregnant I decided to live and hide sheltered at my parents house. That I shunned every single friend I had at the time. ( I knew I couldn’t be around them and do right by my baby) She doesn’t know I quit all the things that were bad for me in a split second and prayed to a God and everyone that the things I had done before I discovered her presence hadn’t damaged her in what should be her safe haven, my womb.

She does know she was supposed to be a twin, but that little baby didn’t make it past 3 months inside me. Somehow, Shelby held on and I will always wonder if the things I had done when the both of them were only weeks old inside me was the miscarriage factor. But I’ve gone on to lose several more babies that way over the years, so who’s to say……..

I don’t credit my daughter with turning my life around. Was becoming pregnant a factor? Of course, but it was a choice I made on my own, for myself, and for her. I was rather tired by the time I found out about her, the life I was immersed in can wear a mind and body down. But I had many choices at the time. Adoption. Abortion. Continue on my merry way of the fast lane dragging a baby along, or cease and halt all activities and focus on myself and my child. I choose the last option. I’ve witnessed many others in the same situation make different choices. To each their own.

Since the hells of my prior years were so fresh and still touchable in my mind, one of the first things I explained to my newborn daughter was, “you and I, we are going to be just fine. And know this, you are officially in anti-teenage hell training as of right now.” My Mother laughed when I said it to that little hours old baby. But I was dead serious.

17 years later, my daughter is just fine, better then fine. She is amazing and I couldn’t be more proud. Of her, and of myself……….