Woman Genius, Man Squeamish
For the Ladies
This entry is for the ladies.
Men, if you read it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(exclamation point to the tenth degree)
(seriously, I WARNED YOU, no whining)
I’ve got it.
It only took 30 some odd years to come up with the perfect verbal rebuttal system against all things boy/man whine.
But I’ve got it now.
I am locked and loaded.
Now, I wouldn’t throw out random verbal prescriptions to the ladies without putting said system through a rigorous beta testing phase first, so I can assure, this system works, 99.9% of the time. In fact, after a four week clinical trial with my very own lab rat who I shall identify as Robert aka “The Husband” my success rate is smoking red effective.
Sooo……to explain. You all know how men can be sorta big babies about things right? Prone to whiner moments, a bit dramatic over things us ladies typically go, ya? so whats the big deal? It’s common knowledge a woman can swiffer sweep the house, do three loads of laundry, wash windows and juggle 3 children on her hip at the same time she has a 104 degree temp and only pauses to throw up occasionally— while a man with a slight sniffle will dive onto the nearest couch and text message the closest estrogen to retrieve the remote 5 feet away…ya know, cause he’s got a sniffle. (if your male, and you’re reading this, please review the first paragraph again) Well gather around, I have a solution.
Dialogue from the Clinical Trial:
Lab Rat: “I think my elbow hurts from picking up that box the other day.”
My response: “I have the worst cramps today, like a chainsaw massacre in my pelvis.”
Results~ A slight look of perplexed confusion followed by a no reply retreat. No mention of the elbow again.
Lab Rat: ” My back hurts, mind giving me a back rub?”
My Response: “Sure, but first will you run to the store and buy some tampons? I’m out.”
Results~ A sputter. A mutter. Another withdrawal. Neither request was honored.
Lab Rat: “I just don’t feel like working today.”
My Response: “I think having a period should be like the olden days when ladies got to lounge in a red tent and be honored for her womb. What do you think? No working for me while I renew each month?”
Results~ Hands thrown up in the air, quick about face and off to work he went. I think I’ll still lobby for that renewel vacation.
Lab Rat: “I’m in a bad mood, so and so pissed me off on that conference call.”
My Response: “I’m full of rampant unpredictable hormones that are prone to crying jags or hateful thoughts because I’m about to start my period…I’m sorry, why were you in a bad mood?”
Results~ Blank stare. Took three steps back, did an about face and went away mumbling sumthin’. I can’t be sure, but I believe it instantly took his mind off his bad conference call. Soooooo sweet of me.
Lab Rat: “Ohhh Ohhhh, I got a paper cut!!!!!”
My Response: “If it bleeds for 7 days we can discuss it.”
Results~ A bit of revulsion and I believe he responded, “Good hell, don’t put those images into my mind!!” I classify it a successful bit of perspective.
And so on……..
However, with any good prescription and clinical trial, the warnings and possible side effects must be disclosed. There is only one and I’ve decided I can live with it.
Rebecca: “Whats wrong with you? You seem quiet today.”
Lab Rat: “I’m not telling you.”
Rebecca: “Why not? Whats up?
Lab Rat: “If I tell you anything you’ll say, cramps, or menstruation or mention tampons or childbirth, things no man wants to ever think about, so I admit nothing!”
Rebecca: “When you end a sentence with such finality you should pause and say period!”
Ya know, I was skeptical about this whole ‘Wife’ gig for some time, but I really think I’m getting the hang of it!! Use the power of verbal persuasion wisely. Think of it as shooting bullets from a six shooter, only point at what you are willing to silence, period.
Bleeding Heart Disclaimer: no living specimens were physically or emotionally harmed during this clinical trial. Bouts of laughter and good smiles were observed, but we are of the belief that’s never a bad thing.
I’ve been very knowledgable about this for some time now…however, beware over using this tactic they will become immune to it over time.
For example I needed pads/tampons and of course Paul was with me. I stared blankly at the different name brands, heavy, light, overnight and for some odd reason I was confused.
Paul picked up the brand I use and handed them to me. *Blink*
Me – Are you sure?
Paul – I should be, I pick them up enough for you.
Me – I’ll take a chance, I honestly don’t remember.
I get home and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t know what I use better than I do. There is something so off and wrong about that. (Hugs)Indigo
Indigo´s last blog ..A Writer Writes
Indigo, I am impressed by your husbands obsservations! Very impressed!
So, instead of being a loving wife, and understanding that sometimes, your husband needs you, you choose to shall we put it politely, complain yourself. Fascinating.
Matches Malone´s last blog ..The Making of, Party in the House!!!
It’s shameful, isn’t it. Perhaps I’ll pray about it ~
This had me in such fits of giggles. Oh Rebecca, too funny! I will have to try this!
Tawnya´s last blog ..Plans
I do that sometimes too. It’s great isn’t it? LOL
My new fave is when he really gets whiny over a cold I point to my head and say ‘Brain tumor, trumps all, I win.’ and walk away. Evil, I know.
be well…
Dawn´s last blog ..Thankful (but cranky) Thursday
You have to remember that men like solving problems. So you might be creating your own Frankenstein montser. The next time you go down this path he might pull out a tampon for you or start calling your OB for you. You’ve been warned.
Mike´s last blog ..2 Day Post
I have been warned, and frightened. I will heed your wise words Mike!
While your experiment produced good results in the short term, I would be interested to see how this works for you over a 6 or 12 month PERIOD
)
) 
Ken/bucko´s last blog ..Faux Mold
Ken, ok, ya got me in a LOL way~ I’ll let you know!
Genius, pure genius! I will use the paper cut rebuttal, and often!
Tara R.´s last blog ..He’s mobile…
Hahaha! Fun comments, except for the snark. (Snappy comeback, though.)
Remember Roseanne Barr’s comment years ago, about her husband always asking her where his wallet, keys, whatever, were…”Like the uterus is some kind of tracking device!” Still love that!
I have to give props to my hubby, though. He is just like me, in wanting to retreat and not be bothered when sick. On the rare occasion that he gets sick (knock on wood), I just make sure he has what he needs, then let him sleep and go about my business. We work well together.
Beth´s last blog ..A little paranoid, are we?
OMG that is halirious and sickening all at the same time.
hahahahahahaha
~K
Kel´s last blog ..Friendly Friday
HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
I am SO using these! SO MOST DEFINITELY using these!
You, my friend, are genius!
Love it. However, my husband will run and pick up tampons and seems not the least bit disturbed by the mention of anything period related or childbirth…I guess my having 4 kids desensitized him…
Melissa´s last blog ..Little Old Ladies and Ice Cream
Is it any coincidence that menstruation sounds like the word men and frustration combined?
Chris´s last blog ..It’s Been A Burger Kind of Week…
Chris, of all the people who might comment I was braced and ready for whatever you might toss at me……
Today you bright such wisdom I am in awe. I’ll never forget this~
For this???
I love you even more!
Thank you thank you thank you for running this beta test and sharing the results. I was just pointing out to my husband last night that he complains about something all the time. He said “you’d be surprised what I don’t complain about”. My reply? “Wow, you must be really ailing like all the time”.
lol.
love love love
Dana
I heard through the blogvine that there was laughter to be had at your place and you have not disappointed. I enjoyed this entry so much that I read it twice. I suport science and hope that you plan to publish additional results from your science based research.
Sheria´s last blog ..Racism & Prejudice: Two sides of the same coin
Lab Rat: “I’m in a bad mood, so and so pissed me off on that conference call.”
My Response: “I’m full of rampant unpredictable hormones that are prone to crying jags or hateful thoughts because I’m about to start my period…I’m sorry, why were you in a bad mood?”
Love it…how true??!!!
how annoying is it when you tell them your back hurts or something and it is somehow overlooked by a cm long scratch they got moving something, and how the world should come to an end?
I sometimes think it is only my husband!
Jen´s last blog ..I cannot sleep unless I am surrounded by books
Brilliant,just brilliant,I am chuckling quietly away to myself here.
Karen´s last blog ..Pigbola Paranoia or swine flu psychosis.