Technical Writer, Death via paper cut
Recently I was hired for a writing job. The hiring process went a bit like this……..
Evil: “Hey, you’re a writer, will you freelance a report for our company?”
Rebecca: “Oh, I don’t know, I write and all, but I really don’t think I’m that sort of writer.”
Evil: ” We’ll pay you XY plus Z for 50 pages.”
Rebecca: “Send over the contract, I am your gal!”
By page 5…I thought I would die. No, really….D…I…E…..
As in, take a letter opener, jab it into one eyeball, go stir crazy and paper cut my wrists until I bleed dry–Dead. Gone. DIE.
I didn’t know I would hate—no hate isn’t strong enough—despise, technical report writing when I sold my soul to the devil. I figured it might be boring and tedious, but I had no idea I would pray for a flesh eating bacterial infection or a bout of E.coli to get me off the hook. Nothing spells sympathetic job release like a call from the ICU in a hospital saying, “I’m sooo sorry, you’ll have to get someone else to do it, I’m conversing with death, no Wi-Fi, only IV’s.”
50 pages of mind numbing boredom. 50 pages of zero humor. I didn’t get to write the word ass one single time. I didn’t get to use a metaphor or crack a single snarky sentence over their corporate heads. I had to pay attention to grammar and use a spell check. I had to research the most boring information I’ve ever absorbed and despite the fact I became a lip strumming psycho by page 50, I fear I may have learned a few things about the Internet. Excuse me…… sorry, I think I just vomited a bit in the back of my throat.
There’s a good chance I’ll carry a mental scar for the rest of my natural born writing life. It was so painful and internally traumatic that a person just doesn’t forget and move on. I fear the next person who says to me, “Hey, you’re a writer, right?” will witness me sticking my fingers in my ears and running as fast as I can the opposite direction screaming, find a happy place, find a happy fucking place………
Did I mention it was bad and that I didn’t enjoy writing a technical report?
I did learn a few things about myself during that paid writing torture. For one, I’d fall down dead before I’d admit failure or quit something even if it feels like someone is driving tiny red hot pokers into my skull every five minutes. And two, I am NOT a writer. Not that sort. Not even close. The people who write in that field must be a special breed of super patience. Personally, I’d rather exfoliate an entire elephant with a toothbrush than suffer that sort of writing job again.
Therapy ~ This is purely part of the ”healing the writer within me”, recovery program. I’m hoping it will help settle the night terrors and occasional gag reflex I’m still suffering.
Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass…..There now, I feel better already.
I am glad that it is over and you are recovering. I have an aunt that did technical writing for real estate for 3 years. Hates fiction. Strange, I know. LOL
be well…
As someone who actually is a tech writer, I sympathise ;>
Indigo Roth´s last blog ..Going To That Quiet Place
Oh yeah, that place. I went there last year and umm…no…no…it’s definitely NOT a good place. The only research you’ll find me doing these days is for fiction. Why yes, fiction has to sound more realistic than, well fiction. Glad you’re on the other side of that numb, empty, soul squelching, feather and tar your imagination place. (Hugs)Indigo
Oh you missed the fun words, fuck, damn, and shit on a cracker (winks). I have to admit some part of me would of found it hard to resist putting shit on a cracker somewhere in that report. You know just to liven things up. Indy
Indigo´s last blog ..A Writer Writes
Sounds like a nightmare.
) 
Ken/bucko´s last blog ..Science Scene – Happy Autumn
Rebecca my dear, you and I are more alike than I thought
I had the exact thing happen about 6 months ago but it was “sales copy” they wanted written. OMG! Hell on paper. Seriously. I will never ever ever ever ever ever (did I mention never?) even dream of writing for someone who I do not like the content ever again. There is not enough money in the world for that kind of torture!
Rest assured, you are a killer writer…and should get paid for it too, but you need to pick projects you’ll love, then the writing just follows
I’m amazed that you didn’t slip in some subliminal swears. Maybe some really obscure nasty stuff. I can provide a list for future reference, if you’d like. Oh, that’s right, you won’t be doing this anymore.
Hugs, Beth
Beth´s last blog ..Teacher teacher
I feel your pain! Extremely. Pete will say sometimes how I ought to try to write this or that for someone. But what he doesn’t realize is that although I “can” pull info together like in a report and I “can” obligingly write on an assigned topic whether I like it or not, that I do not CARE TO do it. That’s not what writing is for me. That sucks the life and the fun out of it. You are lucky you came out of it alive.
Barbara´s last blog ..The Out Back Chili House
I know I shouldn’t be laughing, that laughing at you would be cruel, but…
I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.
I could NEVER see you, Rebecca, as someone who could even sit throguh 5 pages of that bullshit.
At least you’re free now, and you’ve gotten your soul back from the devil, yes?
*smirks*
Heather´s last blog ..Scars
Reading about writing that made my head hurt. I used to write reports at work in a similar fashion and I would, on occasion, cry. No joke.
I can’t believe you actually accepted that writing challenge..lol..A tech Writer? that must have really cramped your style.
I see you did survive..just don’t let that happen again..lol.
Bob
Eaglesbrother´s last blog ..SKY WATCH FRIDAY
That’s why I refuse to take anymore paid gigs for cooking or photography. It turns the love into hate, the passion into a job.
Chris´s last blog ..It’s Been A Burger Kind of Week…
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