A Hazy Shade of Lavender
I’m not sure what it’s like for other people. I can’t say what their dark place of mental residence is decorated with or smells like. I don’t know how it tastes or how much it weighs on their shoulders. I do know it’s a place other people go.
I’m not sure if I can, or should, explain my personal brand of Lavender Black. There isn’t a map to show how I surrender to such a place, or how I eventually find my way back. It simply, happens.
I can say that naming my dark is an act of conventional word defiance. It’s my personal perspective; the condition may be ordinary, but I can name it and decorate it any way I please. Lavender Black isn’t a desirable destination, but it is a place. My place. It’s quiet there and the deeper I wander in, the fact is, the less I participate in the world around me.
Typically, I can still write while meandering through such a space of individual seclusion. Some of my best writing has originated from time spent in my lavender realm, but sometimes, I move past the threshold of expression and the result is silence. It’s where I’ve been these last few weeks, beyond the green fields and purple flowers. In this version, I walked deep into the black parts of Lavender and disappeared for awhile.
Going to Lavender Black is easy enough, coming back proves difficult. There’s something sadly comfortable about suffocating in a zone meant only for single occupancy. It’s a self indulgent territory dripping with familiarity and knowing. If there’s one place that covets a thousand reasons for being dark and twisty, it’s the back room in my mind that collects life’s little black trinkets like a chemically imbalanced pack rat.
Surface maintenance. That’s how I handle day to day reality when I’ve gone off into my place of silence. When a body is in trouble, it has the ability to shut off functions to everything but the vitals. I’ve fined tuned that perspective when it comes to the dark side of my personality. Vitals=Family and that’s the scope of my selective interactions during Lavender Black spells.
Either people will understand this about me, or they won’t. It’s nothing personal. Never has been. I understand that it isn’t easy to accept or understand, not when people interact and depend on feedback/input from one another. My occasional shut downs go against the human nature rules of engagement and I realize I always run the risk of hurting the feelings of other people when I dissolve into myself. Regrettably, my only recourse is to try and pick up the pieces once I’ve came back.
I’m not sure it serves any purpose by writing about this, here, publicly, other then disclosure. But it is who I am. A part of me, one I find both interesting and challenging. Just as I observe the world around me, it’s important I spend time observing my interior workings, the beautiful, the black and the unexplainable…….
Rebecca, I truly understand. You are correct in knowing other people go there too. Sometime it is just a day or two, others a month or so. I know because I have been there recently. It’s good to hear from you again. Know that there is always a smile from this old man waiting for you.
David
David Wheeler´s last blog ..Vacation and Happy Hour
So… I think I, too, have been in my own version of someplace Lavender Blackish– doing only what is necessary to maintain, only responding to what I have to, etc… Found myself lately wondering why I feel that, when I’ll break out of it, etc…
Also found myself thinking of you specifically today, so made myself come over and “check in” with you to say hey. Obviously, you don’t have to reply just now.
Just know you are thought of.
Take care,
Kenna
Beholden-to-Nature (Kenna)´s last blog ..I forgot to laugh… and it’s been Hell!
A huge, huge entry. I understand.
I have a very good friend that does the same. She even retreats from family, only one in her world when she goes to this place is Daphne her dog. I think its very healthy but your right the people close to her end up disturbed by the whole thing. I had a hard time with it but I found it a perfect excuse to do my own ‘healing’.
I’ve seen this part of you, learned to accept the ocassional absences. Admittedly I had thought perhaps you were away and enjoying the end of summer’s nectar. I could worry…yet on some level I understand the primal need to go into oneself for awhile. You’re right coming back from it is never easy by any stretch. The trick (at least for me) is finding the balance. An email is over do to you dear friend. It may be little comfort but I have missed you. (Hugs)Indigo
Indigo´s last blog ..Ship of Words
By the way, the new header is darkly you. It appeals to me for some reason. (Hugs) Indy
Indigo´s last blog ..Ship of Words
We all go there, and we all have the power to reemerge. I used to go there a lot more often before I got on Sarafem for PMS. It’s in the Prozac family, and trust me (and my family!) it works! While you’re in your dark place, however, gather things for future writing, all the while knowing it’s a temporary condition. Sending you smiles and hugs.
BTW: Lavender Black would be a cool name for a band!;-)
Debbie Schubert´s last blog ..I’ll Send an SOS to the World…
I have been to this place many times myself, and recently, as well. Love the idea of naming the place, maybe it will give me a little power over it next time.
Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..Summer Glass
A blogami of mine once said that she and I are both the type that could live quite comfortably in our own minds. That’s very true, and I cherish my solitude (sometimes I even guard it jealously). I’m fortunate in that I have most days to myself and can indulge my need for alone time. Sounds to me like you’ve got it pretty well figured out–prioritize, and go from there.
Beth´s last blog ..Wherefore art thou…Art?
We are pretty much loners and introverts, except with each other of course, but I get your solitude and occassional withdrawal.
I full am familiar with this zone… “There’s something sadly comfortable about suffocating in a zone meant only for single occupancy.” Although dark and sad its calmly familiar to me.
We’ll all be on the other side of your Lavendar when you’re ready to come out.
AC Siapno´s last blog ..Pier 46 Seafood
You know that I relate to this. I still have a hard time stepping out of my own personal Lavendar though. I get stuck there for too long, and spend far too much time in tears, and in the darkness. Perhaps one day, you can help me to learn how to walk out faster, my friend.
xo
Heather´s last blog ..Ordinary People..
The good news is, that those of us who have known you for so long are used to it. It’s just a facet of who you are and just makes you all that much more interesting.
Chris´s last blog ..Garlic and Vermicelli
Last summer at this time I was there and it took me a long ass time to come back. I pop in and out on occasion but never for more than a few days or hours at a time. To be honest, I feel a longer visit on the horizon and I’m doing everything in my power to avoid it. If I didn’t have two little girls fully depending on me now 24/7, I’d probably just go. There is some comfort there – and I totally get this.
Rebecca:
It is if you took some of the thought right out of my head. You said them better than I thought them. I truly understand what you mean, just not a lavender field. I do love the scent, it is one of my favorites. I used to grow it wen i was in my youth, but just a patch. Some of my best poems came from sitting in my garden. My place was ever changing, like it is today.
Still, I find comfort in my tall grades blowing in the wind. I watch them sitting under an old tree. Now my words are blowing like my blades. Back and forth, just like me with people. I must have charted to be a partial hermit in this life. For example, how long has it been since I left and entry.
I do enjoy your words, thoughts, and emotions. I find you to be a remarkable person. I don’t mean it to sound like flattery, but speak the truth. I usually read blogs to Music, but not yours. I let your mind’s expressions play the human tune of life. You have had a very busy Summer, who could blame you for your absence.
Write when you want, write what you feel.
I will try to stop by more often, if only I could be me these days. I hope you and your family are well.
Pardon my muttering and riddled errors. I’m playing MAD catch up on Blogs and it is late.
Sincerely,
Wes Ackerman
Well, I must admit, I was beginning to wonder where you were, but had faith you’d be back. Although it is a bit strange out here. Not quite like aol, where there seemed to be more of a community. Most would still be around, even if silent for some time. Out here, it seems as if one could be here one day and gone the next, to give up writing, never to return. glad you are still here.
If you never pull away to yourself sometimes it seems like the world would keep pinching off pieces of you until there would be nothing left. To go to to a place of seclusion to protect oneself or rest and revitalize oneself can be healing and refreshing. But like all things that can be good we have to be careful not to let become a twisted version, doing more harm than good.
maybe your lavender place is like my counting. sometimes it has to be done.
the reason maybe is not as important as the result/ resolution.
xxalainaxx
miss alaineus´s last blog ..it looked bigger
I totally get this. I never quite thought about “my space” this way…
I think we all need this space.
Jen (a new follower)
Jen´s last blog ..Push
I need to find a place like that, somewhere to rejuvenate. I understand your need to separate from the world.
Tara R.´s last blog ..SkyWatch Friday ~ 14
I’m pretty sure the term “depression” sums up what you’re going through fairly well. And considering the zippy euphoria of the most recent stretch, I wouldn’t be so sure manic-depression wouldn’t qualify for the whole kit and kaboodle.
Those ain’t fightin’ words, even though it sounds like a sterile diagnosis that diminishes your individuality. I think the world is a richer place for both mania and depression, for even assigning them colors. But it can wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships for those who don’t know who they’re gonna wake up next to any given morning. For that reason I hope you don’t overromanticize and undermedicate if therapy and/or pills have been recommended. They may be overkill for perfectly tolerable moodswings, but if it’s more serious than that, they could also make for less severity in the swings either way, which can be very stressful. I speaketh from experience.
Mark´s last blog ..Riots in Chino
I used to never think about my weight, ate what I wanted – when I wanted and such, but then somewhere along the way, I was told I was ‘fat’ and I believed it and ever since I’ve been obsessed. Diets or not – I’m obsessed. I wish I could adopt a new attitude, but it seems so foreign now that I’ve been doing this obsession thing for so long….
Good luck to you in reaching your goals!
~K
Kel´s last blog ..Not Me Monday
I hope that your pre-autumn space is faring well!
teksquisite´s last blog ..Why I Uninstalled Firefox 3.5.2