When did huggable become social grace?
This is alittle close for comfort
So, something has been bothering me. This issue, although non-life threatening, changing, and basically insignificant…..is like a piece of sand floating around on my eyeball and despite my valiant effort to ignore it, it’s still annoying me. So, I’ll just slander myself here and call it good.
It wasn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last time, but after the last five day social fiesta, I was once again accused of dropping the hug etiquette ball. Basically, I am a non-hugger. Or maybe that should read……Rebecca is often forced to hug, but evidence suggests she fails (flails) miserably at it.
Robert: “You are so funny to watch when people are hugging you. You really suck at hug etiquette.”
Rebecca: “What do you mean?!! I hug. I hugged no less then 10 people tonight.”
Robert: “Ya, ok, you ‘hugged’ if you call it that. But you’re stiff as a board and you are the only person I’ve ever seen put 3 feet of space between you and the person you’re hugging. You may not realize it, but it makes you look cold and uncaring.”
Rebecca;”Damnit, I’m not a cold and uncaring person just because I don’t melt my body with someone I barely know. I care! I’m kind!”
Robert: ” I know that, but you can be confusing to people because you give off mixed signals. You’ll talk to them, make them feel all warm and cozy, but when they go to give you a hug you practically run from them.”
Rebecca: ” I hug you and the girls good enough, don’t I?”
Robert: “Yes you do, you hug us like you mean it, but we are the exception. Everyone else gets the tree that bends in the middle for a quick shoulder to shoulder touch”
Rebecca: “Great, I’m an unhuggable tree. Anything else you’d like to add?”
Robert: ” Your ass does look cute when you stick it way out and away from everyone.”
Rebecca: ” Good to know.”
I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing wrong. I know my ass does tend to stick out because usually everyone is shorter then me and I’m bending over to recieve the impending hug. Perhaps this is evasive action, but I unhinge at the hip, bend way over and out thereby touching my shoulders to their shoulders. This I believe creates that 3 feet of space Robert was referring to and I’ll usually throw in a one handed back pat. I’ll pat twice if I’m feeling gracious, three times if I’m feeling rambunctious, and quickly retreat back to an upright position. Not good enough? Not feeling some care from that?
Would it be better if I stood up straight, wrapped my arms around the person in earnest, pulled them in flush to my body? I could really show some love by pressing their nose into the valley between my breasts and hummmm softly. Would that imply caring or simply smother a person into a cozy zone?
I’d really like to fix this failing social grace of mine. Maybe the next time a man that is of equal size or taller hugs me (if he’s shorter he would probably enjoy the above paragraph), I could wrap a leg behind theirs and slide it up and down for some extra lovin. I could probably throw in an ass grab and press my boobs against their chest to convey a memorable ‘nice to meet you sir’ gesture.
When it comes down to it, I admit, I’m not a touchy feelie sort of person. I do happen to enjoy people very much, but that doesn’t mean I need a soul pressing hug to validate my internal emotions.
What happened to the handshake in a social setting? Is a handshake so cold and impersonal that it’s currently off the social menu? Why is connection signed, sealed and delivered through physical contact, i.e. an authentic, zero personal space, hug? These questions are the social sand in my eye.
And for you honest huggers out there. I admire your ability to press solidly, pat soundly and impart your physical impression on others. Just don’t hold my 3 feet against me. K?
I can relate… I am not much of a hugger and it’s a little bit awkward for me when I’m put into social situations with lots of huggers. One side of my boyfriend’s family, for example, are all big huggers. I don’t even see these people all that frequently (once or twice a year, maybe), but every time I do see them, there are hugs and sometimes kisses on the cheek every time there’s a hello or goodbye – from each and every one of them – young and old. Even the very first time I met them, I got hugs from all of them. It’s just a little weird and very awkward for me. I actually have to sort of prepare myself for it, so I’m not surprised by it.
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You made me laugh out loud! I’m 100% with you on this. I hug my family and close friends, but not casual or new acquaintances. Gah! Have I mentioned that I have issues with my personal space? When meeting new people, I’m a handshake gal, no doubt about it.
Your hug description sounds like the ‘guy hug.’ There was actually an article about hugging styles a while back in some mag, I think Time. Guys shake right hands, lean in at the shoulders, do a couple of back pats with their left hands, and then release immediately. Probably the best example of the guy hug that I’ve seen is Craig Ferguson when greeting male guests. Watch sometime, and you’ll see exactly what I mean!
Such easy familiarity is not for me. Maybe part of it is because of what you mentioned, although for opposite reasons. My lack of height means that any hug is going to put me at chest level of man or woman, and either one just feels entirely too intimate.
Beth’s last blog post..A million more thanks
Sorry, not a hugger either. I don’t want to feel my sister’s hooters when I hug her. If I don’t want that, then why the hell would I want to feel some stranger’s (I mean, you know, aside from the obvious) And I definitely don’t wanna be rubbin’ junk with dudes.
These days, I’ll hug the wife close, that’s where I draw the line.
Fred
Fred’s last blog post..Great. Just one more thing to think about when choosing words.
I have a bubble. There are few that are welcome inside the bubble. In fact, there have been those that refuse to respect the bubble and they are met with my arms fully outstretched, palms against their shoulders. I may say something like, “Hey! There’s a bubble here!” or “Don’t hug me, I have polio!”
Paul’s last blog post..bananafish revisited…
Hah! I’m a major hugger. Born in Brooklyn, grew up on Long Island, Jewish, yup, we hug, baby. I hug strangers, just not the way I hug my family and friends. I love the human touch and connection – I’m sure I put off some people by it, but that’s certainly not the intention. Life’s too short not to show the world a little love.;-)
Debbie Schubert’s last blog post..Everything You Always Wanted to Know About…SIKHS (but were afraid to ask!)
I’m a weird hugger. I’m a big hugger naturally, but I refrain from it all day at work with patients that it’s hard to jump back to normal when I’m with people.
Want a secret? Smile like you really mean it when you hug someone. When you smile it short circuits the flight or fight response.
Mike’s last blog post..I Don’t Mind
I am a huge hugger to those I’m close to and that probably extends a bit beyond your description; so yep, I’d be wanting to hug you—just cuz you are so darn huggable—but I read the situation and I really don’t care to hug someone who isn’t into it and it’s totally cool.
I”m not a big hugger of the opposite sex either, unless i know them well—just sayin
you have such fun posts,
jana’s last blog post..simple smiles
LOL! I used to HATE hugging and then 8 years ago I moved to Europe. Now, I endure both hugging and kissing–big step there. And sometimes I find I freak my US friends and family out because I’ve begun to initiate the European hug and cheek kiss. LOL! I just think the world is becoming more europeanized. LOL!
Jenni James’s last blog post..The USA Rocks!
Rebecca Anne, You have blogged about two of my favorite topics, personal space and communications. I’ve learned about the personal “bubble”. It’s not always easy to read the size of the bubble, especially if you are a man. I’ve learned to let the woman give you a clue if you can shake hands, hug or give a kiss on the cheek. As Jenni mentioned, I was not comfortable with the hug and a kiss on the until I left the confines of Wyoming and moved to Baltimore. The social group I became engaged with often greeted their friends with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I learned it was a form of communication. Now I smile and say hello, watch for the woman to extend the hand and follow from there.
David’s last blog post..Mouse story
Awe, your not alone! I’m pretty sure I’m one of those ’shoulder to shoulder’ hug people too. I’m good at hugging when I feel so inclined to hug you, but just meeting you and being ‘attack hugged’ on my way out the door…yeah, not so much. Shake my hand – yeah, maybe even a nice wave and an air kiss of sorts, but not so much the hug.
Oh well!
~K
kel’s last blog post..Just Because…
I am a hugger. I hug everyone like I hug my kids. Some people squirm, some get embarassed, but most return my bear hugs. I never really think about it. It’s like a habit. When I see someone I like or know, I smile and tackle them for a bear hug. I hug strangers too sometimes. I’d say, “It looks like you can use a hug today.” I am weird and proud of it.
Dee
Dee’s last blog post..Just Checking In
LOL..Rebecca…I just love your blogs…gives me my “Smile” for the day when I come every morning to see what you have been up to.
You know…it sort of reminds me of my first wife…when we had pictures of us getting married..she was hugging me and her Rear was sticking way out there…lol..becuse her Mother had told her growing up that if you made body contact when hugging and kissing..you could get pregnant…lol
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i am all for the warm, friendly handshake, even throwing that extra hand on top of ‘the clasp’ to convey an extra measure of sincerity.
hugging is for people i know really well or for small children. maybe we all need to make shirts or start a club or something!
xxalainaxx
miss alaineus’s last blog post..it’s done
Rebecca:
I agree with you about hugs, but I never hug people the first meeting.I rarely hug most of my family, only in extreme cases. I do hug some of the older relatives, and my parents. I hug my wife, child, my nieces, and Nephew. I never go in for the hug first with people, that is not my family! I have ways of getting out of hugs, one way is saying goodbye. Then talking to the person next to them. It may seem rude, but it works. I too love people, but don’t feel the need to squeeze. I enjoyed your entry and wish you a good day!
HUGS
Wes
lol, I feel your pain. I can’t say I’m against hugging, or don’t like it, but would rather keep it to friends and family. Or at least someone I’ve MET before! Not so much into the handshake myself.
I hug my close friends and yet when a stranger goes to hug me I’m like you I get stiff because is awkward and I don;t know how to react to it, then my friends accuse me of being unfriendly. I just get shy around strangers and not used to being lovey dovey with them on instant meeting it takes me awhile to warm up to ya..
lorrie’s last blog post..Animals Need Our Love
I never used to be a hugger, but I am now. I think it started after I was widowed – everyone wanted to hug me, and I would do the three foot lean like you. I’m pretty busty and used to worry about hugging men, but now it doesn’t bother me.
I still have that two foot personal space rule though. How do you feel about close talkers?
kate’s last blog post..fit for each other
I am a hugger, but I never initiate the hug with people I don’t know well. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I wait for signs of hug approval before moving in. If someone else initiates, I’ll happily hug back. The funniest is when you have two people who are open to the hugging thing, but neither is comfortable being the initiator. Watching (or being part of) the awkward “are we hugging?” dance cracks me up.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Where I get my awesome
Yeah, I’m not much of a hugger, either. (Bet you wouldn’t have guessed that.) I like having my five feet of personal space around me, and prefer that everybody stay out of it.
The problem is, is that I’m 6′4″ and very largely built, and many of my female friends say I’m “huggable.”
So I end up bending over, leaning down, and hugging strangers – or people I know very little – to make someone else happy. It annoys the bejeezus out of me, but I really do try not to be an asshat.
Now if I could just get one of them to do that whole “rubbing the leg up mine” thing, it might be worth it…
Nickolas’s last blog post..Oh, There’s Been Some Changes…
LOL! I don’t mind giving hugs to my girl friends, but my guys friends… uhhh not so much. Someone I don’t even know whom I’ve only spoken to once in my whole entire life and whose name I don’t even remember? Forget about it. Haha…. yeah.
Here’s the truth, and it ain’t pleasant. I only really enjoy hugging men that I am sexually attracted to. (like hot men in AA) Everybody else is a chore.
And I was raised in a huggy family. But it’s work with them. I have to remind myself it’s really important to my Mom and force myself to do it.
In France, at least you can do the double cheek kiss without the full hug. It looks intimate but it’s not.
I adore you, but I’d have trouble hugging you. I’d do the lean forward quick peck on the cheek, ass sticking out. The way it should be. Awkward.
Mark O’s last blog post.."No" is a complete sentence
I hugged my parents, my closest friends & Don’s kids all the time. But casual hugging? JUST SAY NO.
Like a manufactured brand of casual camaraderie? Yuck.
on some of my comments & posts a long while back when it was mentioned to me(by a few sensitive souls) that some things I say in jest or in a positive way, are not generally taken that way. Okay, I became a smilie face blogging person. There is truth in: Do something long enough & it will become a natural habit, because now I notice I do that a lot. BUT. I am not a smilie face person in real life, and DON’T hug or kiss me. I can count the adults I want hugging & kissing me on one hand. I do not consider this a deficiency in my character. I find casual hugging & kissing bizarre. ~Mary
If is funny that I started putting
I’m a hugger but i think people hug a lot nowadays! Like my friends husbands… it just seems weird to me sometimes. I mean the guys shake hands… I guess it would be weird for me to shake hands with them. hmmmm.
fiona’s last blog post..A Family Favorite Goes Not So Good ~ We Forgive You Hacienda Colorado
I hug EVERYONE. I love it. I’m sure our hugs would be awkward but only because I am incredibly short. I’m like, 5.3 (and a half) ha ha ha. But I usually wrap people up completely. People tell me I give really good hugs. I like to think it’s cause I’m fluffy
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